The Evolution of Me

So I was having a conversation with X yesterday (yes, we talk again. long story. dont ask).. and I was explaining to him how I feel about my weight gain and my new body shape. When we were in middle and high school, I was teased about being too skinny. I longed for the day when I could fill out a pair of jeans. Now the day has finally come when I have curves and a little coke bottle shape and Im longing for the day when I return to a stick. He assured me that I looked fine (actually he told me that my body was great) and that I shouldnt worry. Cuz it makes no sense.

Then he started talking about how its a turn off for guys when an attractive female (such as myself) with alot going for herself (such as myself) finds the one thing she thinks isnt perfect about herself (my weight) and obsesses over it.

And that makes sense.

Its all about Confidence and Security.

Think about it. You ever see a really attractive female with a busted guy and wonder why??? It's probably because that guy was confident about what he has to offer. He was secure with himself. He might not be the best guy out there, but he is the best him and there is no other person just like him.

I also notice that on days when I feel best about myself, I walk a little differently. I exude pride in myself. And those are the days when I get approached by guys.

I have alot going for myself. Im 22, no kids, no real debt, good job, with a bachelors degree, currently seeking a dual masters. I am not obese or flubby. Just bigger than what I used to be (now: 5'8"32D-26-38 then: 5'8" 32A, 26, 34). And whats wrong with growing? Im still smaller than most of the chicks my age. No guy has ever seen me naked and urged me to put my clothes back on so why trip. I am perfectly me.

So from now on, I wont obsess over the 10 lbs Ive put on since high school. Im not going to work out 7 days a week, calorie count, and skip meals. Im going to look in the mirror everyday before I leave out and tell myself that I am perfect the way I am.

Confidence is swag. Its the one thing you must remember to put on everyday.

Become secure in what God has given you and let you confidence take you to new heights.

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So Ive been on my new get fit / lose these thunder thighs so I can fit into my clothes nicely...
I joined the gym and have been going atleast twice a week for the past month or so. I havent really seen any results so I enlisted the assistance of a personal trainer.

He and I (and this other lady who wanted training) sat down to discuss things like current routines, goals, etc. When its the lady's turn to share she says... "I want to lose weight! But I dont wanna be boney. I still wanna keep my curves... I cant stand skinny girls" and then kind of gives me a side eye....

I am not even boney. I calculated my BMI. I am in the normal range. Even before I gained these 10 lbs, I was in the normal range. So she just must be upset that I could take her man.

The next day, I return to the gym. I follow the workout routine that the trainer gave me. I couldnt help but notice six eyes that were constantly glued to me. Another group of cake chasers, giving me the stank eye.

I mean DAMN... tell em why you mad!

Can I get fit and tone without a bunch of hating??? I am hurting anybody. Its supposed to be a judgement free zone. That means that I dont judge hefty ppl AND they dont get to judge me.



Anyway.. Here is a workout summary for Day 1:

Elliptical : 45min on Hill Level 10 and 5 min cool down
Leg Press: one set of 25 reps (45lbs)
Leg Curl: one set of 25 reps (45lbs)
Calf Extentions: one set of 25 reps (35 lbs)
Lower Back Extentions: two sets of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Abdominals: one set of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Ab Curnch: one set of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Torso Twist: one set of 15 reps per side (50lbs)
Glutes: one set of 15 reps per leg (50 lbs)
Arc Trainer: 5 min level 15

All in all, it was a successful evening at the gym. I hope to build up my reps and weights. and I cant wait to see the results.. Next.. Im doing upper body.

Get it Right and Keep it Tight

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Summer is right around the corner.

I'm an exhibitionist. So I would like to be able to wear minimal clothes and NOT look like a whale. Since I graduated college, I don't get my daily walks. I sit on my butt all day at work and snack... SMH Needless to say, I have put on a few. My hips have spread and my thighs have thickened. The only plus side to this is my butt is getting rotund (Did I mention the guy at the carryout who requested permission to smack it?!?!?!)

I digress, I am still smaller than most. I can still put on my clothes. But I don't like the way they fit and I don't like the number I see when I get on the scale.

My initial reaction was to stop eating... I found that hard to do. Then I started researching crash diets... but because I don't eat a wide range of foods that was nearly impossible. I do eat some veggies but not most. And fruit makes me nauseous so I would have to follow up with an abundance of ginger ale... I tried to eat yogurt one day and literally GAGGED!!! I couldn't swallow it. SMH... I tried this on two different occasions with two different flavors and brands and couldn't get it down. I also tried to make myself eat a salad... but considering the fact that I don't like lettuce, tomatoes, onion, corn, or salad dressing... i have no clue how I will do that either..

Next was diet pills... I found one that seems to be the best and safest. It’s called Adapexin - P. It’s not cheap but it has a money back guarantee. They seem to have positive reviews... but you just never know. Plus since I'm on birth control, I don't want to take anything that may make that ineffective....

So I decided I would try to do this the healthy way and exercise. I started looking for a gym. My besti Tack goes to Planet Fitness. So on Monday, I decided I would check things out. They have 3 locations relatively close to where I live. I wanted to check each one out and see what they have to offer. Based off their locations I knew one would be full of hood rats, one would be full of old pervs and the last full of ppl I went to high school with..... How will I ever choose??? I decided to call and see how much a day pass was. My thought was that I could go to each facility, work out then make a final decision. Well to my surprise a day pass is $20!!!! WTF?? $20 for an hr or two when a full month’s membership is $10... If that's not blasphemy, IDK what is.

Instead, Brownie and I went and took tours of 2 facilities (old perv town and small world high school). We decided small world high school was more spacious... Strangely enough there was no one from my high school there. Guess they are all satisfied being fat cows. And in a more plot twister, the gym offers Pizza Mondays for members... SWHS had Papa Johns... OPT had Domino's (yuck). Of course we picked the place with Papa Johns.

Now let’s pause for a second to dissect the genius that is Planet Fitness... 1. They charge astronomical prices for day passes, which prompts one to eagerly sign up for the membership deal. 2. They have pizza mondays... they lure you in, and keep you fat. Thus keeping membership numbers high... You have to respect the hustle.

Yesterday, Brownie and I decided to take advantage of our new memberships. I worked out for a little over an hr. I did 2 miles on the treadmill and 7 miles on the bike. I wanted to use the machines that target hips, thighs and abs but my legs felt like jelly. Even though I think I did alright for my first time out, I only burn 250 calories... I need to do more. I have to do more. More stamina, more distance, more speed, more calories... I want to see my results... Within the next 2 - 3 months.... More muscle, less flub and fat.

Prolly go tonight again... It’s not a game. I will get my body looking like Ping Pow Pacquiao.... if it’s the last thing I do.

If u guys have routines that get results, lemme know...

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So I survived the trip. I didnt push T Bone off a mountain or anything.
The highlights:
- the house was amazing
- jello shots!
- lots of drinking
- snow tubing and mountain coaster

During one of the drunken nights, Brownie, Rita and I were taking shots and the topic of areolas was brought up. (dont judge us) Like how small is too small or how big is too big? I personally dont think an areola should be bigger than a freaking half dollar.. unless u have some serious whoppers... *shrugs*

Tbone asked me to be his GF.. AGAIN.. and again.. i declined... but in a way as to not ruin the entire weekend.

I was ready to come back home on Saturday. Being around ppl for continuous amts of time has never been my strong suit. I just wanted to get home to my mommy and my monster.

All in all, if i had to do it over, I wouldnt...

But u know, u live and u learn.


Last night, TBone asked if I still felt the same way abt being in a relationship with him. So I broke it all down to him. Abt me feeling like 1. it was too soon 2. i did have an intention of gettin serious when we met and 3. he isnt established enough in my opinion (no job or school, irresponsible. etc)... And lets just say that he wasnt happy. He got very dramatic. Overemotional males are such a turn off... which made me just say... maybe we shouldnt hang out anymore..

And I actually feel ok with that.

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As usual, people are salty as heck that they are solo on Vday... I mean, it just not your time to be bunned up. Dont get discouraged. I personally dont support the commercialization of certain gift givgn holidays. Honestly, if Im your boo, I would make you feel special just because its Monday. Not because it valentine's days. and I would like the same in return.

I digress.. this year I do have a valentine tho... (another than my mom and peanut)... We've only been chilling a short while but I think he is a keeper. Yesterday we spent the day at the park. An impromptu picnic with Popeyes, slurpees, and cookies. Gay but sweet... *shrug*

I had the most difficult time finding him a vday gift. What i had originally got him, the fool went out and purchased -_-.. leaving me to have to return to the mall yesterday in a last minute scramble. And because we just started hangin out, i didnt have adequate research to get the perfect gift. I settled on some Polo cologne.. cant wait to smell it on him.. sigh...

I wonder what he got me...

Anywho.. to all those bunned up "happy vday to you and yours " and to those of you on your solo dolo.. remember "Somebody loves you (GOD)"

Kisses!

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This winter sure has been a white one. I cant remember in all my years that everytime I turn around it another snow storm brewing. Mother Nature I have stuff to do.

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We moved.. story of my life.. but this time it was my office that moved.. not mother dear and I.

Besides the fact that the new location was totally out of the way for me, I was pretty thrilled at the fact that I would finally be gettin a FULL CUBE as opposed to the half cube hell I was residing at. Last week, my coworkers and I decided to take a field trip to the new office and check things out. It was definitely nice and the cubes were large and in charge.. I go to the cube that was assigned to be (see floor plan distributed via email) but there is another persons name on it. WTH.

So I inquire with the moving coordinator who informs me that I was looking at an outdated floorplan and shows me the new one. I find my name and it says I am in an office (SWANKY..) no wait.. it says I am SHARING an office with some snotty nose girl named Rachel.... So I go to the office there is only ONE desk and the size of the office is the size of a cube...

Needless to say I was disappointed and a bit pissed off that I was being treated like a second rate citizen. But I got over it... God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.... This morning, I was rested and prepared to meet and dislike Rachel. They split the room in two, so our backs are facing each other, my back however is also towards the door so at any moment, a crazed sniper could come in and off me and I wouldnt have a clue cuz I cant see old boy standin in the doorway. Anywho... Hours pass by and no Rachel. Finally around ten she comes in, she introduces herself and I extend my hand as a courtesy. She fumbles through a few drawers and leaves...

A little while later, a guy walks in, tall, dorky lookin guy with a briefcase and beat up dockers. Turns out old Rachel switched offices with this guy. His name is Alex and im not too fond of him. He is LOUD.. like we are in the same room not eeeeven 10 ft from each other and he is talking like we are in a football stadium full of people. He comes equipped with annoying questions and is full or sound effects such as sniffling, rubbing his hands together, clapping, tappin on the desk, crumpling paper etc...

Thankfully he has decided to share his presence with the rest of the floor today and has been out of the office walkin around for most of the day...

So here I am, at my half office.. (guess its a step up from a half cube) and I have no service on my freakin cell phone nor do I have a desk phone... SMH... For lunch I went exploring the neighborhood. I feel so dumb because out new office is near where I went to elementary school and is literally around the corner from a night club I been to soo many times.. things look so different in the daylight. lol.

I will keep you updated on the new diggz...and of course Alex...

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I would just like to take this opportunity to thank GOD for looking out for me as he has always done. He is the best.

I decided to bring in the NY with my brownie. First we went to church. Then we originally wanted to bun all nite with out respective boos but things didnt work out. So what else is there to do but go to a hotel party!!!!

All in all it was a fun nite. I gave my # to 2 guys.. idk y cuz they were both yellow and Im like my men butter pecan tan. lol. One of them was 6'2" so that did strike my fancy. All in all it was a good nite. We were the last ones to leave the room after our host started urlin and passed out on the bed. I didnt get home til 6am. THANK GOD I MADE IT.

I had been up for a full 24 hrs. I had to drop Brownie off and then drive home to West Bumba (Never thought I would say this but I will be ecstatic when we move!!!). I dozed off a couple of times, was over the double lines and everything. I called a few ppl to talk to me until I got home and no one picked up.... LOSERS!. God had my back. And when I made it to my house all I could do was say let out a tear as I hit the pillow.

Come to find out that the second guy I gave my # to had "sexually assaulted" (why dont they say raped?) a 17yr old girl in that same room we were in sometime after left and out host had passed out. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once again I say THANK U GOD. That could have been me. He kept askin if we could have some "personal time" and I was like u can sit here and talk to me. Then we went in the bathroom and he started to rap me up. He tried to close the door but I was like "I'm claustrophobic so we gotta keep that open" lol. I am such a liar... but a liar who wasnt sexually assaulted....

God looks after children and fools... since I turned 21 already I guess Im the latter....

Nonetheless its 2010!!!


The year of the Graduation....
The year of Change....
The year of Growth....
The year of Blasphemy (Unwanted of Course)......
The year of Love......
The year of Baby.....

Thats right blogamily.... this year will definitely be action packed. In a mere 4 months, 16 days and 6 hrs, (May 5th @ 2pm for all u math challenged folks) yours truly will be a college graduate. Can you believe it???

If you asked anybody that knows me, they would say yea. Everybody thinks Im such a square, on the straight and narrow. X told me that my head is cemented to my shoulders... SMH. I wish ppl would stop type casting me. I am human, I make mistakes (even tho I dont like to) and all this pressure of everyone having expectations on me is terrible. Thats why this year I am dedicated to making this the year of the Morgo.

Oh in approximately 5 months, yours truly will be welcoming a baby. Right now we call it Fuzzy. Next week hopefully the Dr will reveal lil Fuzzy's gender. I am hoping for a BOY but if its a girl I cant say that I will 100% hate it. But seeing as how I have already nickname the baby Fuzzy, I think it fits a male better than a female.... FUZZY DONT LET ME DOWN.

The year of Love? Maybe, Maybe not. There is a saying that "you will never fall in love if you dont believe someone will be there to catch you." Thats so true. I trust no one. Maybe I might find someone to take a chance on this year... whatever God has in his plans for me.

My family thinks that I am going to bring home a white man for my hubby. Ummm.. idk about that. Its not that I am opposed to interracial dating or anything like that. Its just I love me sum hazelnut dark chocolate... mmmmm... lol

Anywho. thats all for now.

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Wow. Today is December 31st... the last day in 2K9.

Dear 2k9,

Quite the drama queen you were. Every month it was something new. But none the less I feel like I have changed this yr.. whether it was for better or worse has yet to be determined. We've shared laughs, crys and a plethora of blasphemy (especially male related). Cant say I loved you. But wont say I hated you.

Respectfully Yours

You know that myth about how you spend your New Years is how you will spend your year? FALSE. Last year, I spent it with a group of ppl that I dont even associate with anymore... ironic? Maybe.

I have no plans as of yet. Everything is up in the air. Not really in the clubbin mood. Ive move on or rather moved back to my chill mode. I would love a nice get together but I dont really know where Im going. Hopefully I will have fun tho.

Not going to really make any resolutions. I just feel like I want to continue to grow and change. This year was the first stage in my transition to being myself. Geeky, goofy, crazy, ME. I started to assert myself and not take other ppls bull. The problem is, I havent gained control of my new talent. My mouth is a pistol and these hoes fittin to get whipped. Once I figure out how to balance all the things Im learning you wont be able to tell me nothin..

2010 is gonna be a good year. I can feel it. Im gonna make the most of the territory that has been given to me and hopefully multiply it. Im ready. Im excited.

Gonna end it with a lil quote that I dont remember verbatim or from whom I stole it.. lol
"What lies behind me or what lies in ahead of me is nothing compared to what lies within me"

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How is it that I always manage to attract crazies???

Remember Texas? He is tryna get back on the scene.. His latest stunt is him tryna make me his GF.. Like WTF.. why is it that the ppl u want attention from, you cant get but then u get all this uninvited attention ....

But yea. Here is the text convo. This is after an AIM session in which he tells me that when we aim, my name comes up as “My Future Girl”. And I was like… really tho. How can I be ur future girl when we barely aim and u’ve only called me once.. lol :

T: Morgo, I would really like a chance with u

M: A text tho?

T: You want me to tell you over the phone?

M: Well I wouldn’t take you seriously either way but via text makes it more of a joke

T: Why wouldn’t you take me seriously?

M: I just wouldn’t

T: But I wouldn’t lie to you, I promise

M: If I had $1 for everytime I heard that and then $1 for everytime those same ppl did lie I would be BALLIN

T: Im not like the rest though Morgo, you believe I am?

M: Im not tryna typecast you but its just been my experience

T: I understand that but Im not gonna play with you. You deserve better than that (whats happened to you in the past)

M: True

T: You believe me? I mean do you trust me?

M: No. But its not personal. I just don’t trust ppl in general

T: iight.

Your man took it way back to middle school with the "can I get a chance?" LMBO. Really tho? My Nikki think I was harsh on him. I think I was very politically correct and took it easy. I could have chopped him real quick... But i know how sensitive ppl are and if you are crazy enough to ask me to be your GF and you dont really know me, there is no tellin how PSYCHO you really are...

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Last week, I decided to get a hair cut. So I go to the dominicans and get them to blow me out and cut me down. For the past few months, I have been sporting my curly fro, in an effort to save money by not going to get my hair done and doing my own flexis.

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I am sooo beyond words rite now. IDK what to do, but I have to share this info.

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~True peace comes from the Prince of Peace~

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I am thinkin of buyin some anti age serum cuz obviously I am not aging gracefully at all.... I went to Giant to buy a cocoa milk and on the way out this guy stops me.

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So..

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On my lunch break, I decide to go over to the buildign next to mine for some delicious steak fries. I get my fries (lol) and grab a mt dew out the lil refrigerator thing and I walk over to the lil condiments bar to pour some Ketchup into a lil container. There is a guy standing there so I put down my soda wait for him to move. He walks away, I reach over to grab a lil container and proceed to put ketchup in it. The same guy turns around walks to the other side of me and grabs my mt dew. I was like ummm excuse me sir. That’s my soda. And he looked at me and put it back down and said oh. There was this black guy behind me that said.. “u handled that very well.. Im surprised. Cuz if that had been me, I woulda been like AYE NICCA.. u betta put my bottle down..”

All I could do was bust out laughing…

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As I mentioned in my last post, I am in search of a new place to live while I am at school.
So first place I turn is to the Housing Available listing for my campus. Then I turn to Craigslist. So far, I have nothing concrete but a couple great leads and possibilities.

I would love to live by myself but my mother finds it a crazy notion. I am not scared. I dont scare easily. I look to the Lord to protect me and if he calls me home to him I will go. No matter if I have a roomate or not.

But anywho, blasphemy has def not been in short supply during the housing search. I guess I will start from the beginning. After I saw a ad or two I liked, I would send out an email asking for more information. Here are 2 I got back:

1. My parents have a studio apartment (efficiency) that will be available in mid-August. It is unfurnished, it is one large room with a split bath (toilet and sink/shower) {does that mean they are one in the same?}, kitchenette (please note that there's no oven){so how am i supposed to eat?}, and small closet. It's first floor (there is another apartment above it, the young woman who rents it is a great neighbor to have!), has a private entrance. The rent is $455 per month including electricity/water, and is for 1 person only. It will be renovated in early August, we will add wood flooring (it's currently carpet). The apartment is phone/cable/internet ready - you simply need to arrange it with the appropriate vendors. Please let me know if you have any questions.

2. The apt is available. You would share the apartment with a woman and she has a cat. She is giving the whole bedroom for the new roommate. She will sleep in the family room and she will put her stuff in the family room as her room. The kitchen will be shared by the two of you. There is one full bathroom for both of you to share also. There is a washer and dryer in the apartment too. If you have further questions and are still interested please leave your name and number for me to call you.

P.S. The building the apartment is located has a swimming pool, exercise room and entertainment room for people living in the building to use. It may have a bed if you need it. I need to ask the lady living in the apartment if she wants to give you her bed to use.

Hmmmm are you serious??? Needless to say that I didnt inquire further about these places. But I did find a couple that I liked.

First place - hated the place, liked the girl and great price BUT she had a CAT!!!
Second place - loved the place, could tolerate the girl and great price BUT she texted me a lil later sayin her friend was gonna rent the room.. UGH
Third place - loved the place, liked the girl decent price BUT she also had a CAT!!

Do I look like Catwoman to you ppl??

Im still pushing the idea of a one bedroom on my mom but one of the reasons I want to move is to save $$$. Most of these places I can save atleast $100 if not more. So then I go to thinkin of gettin my own place and renting the second room out to someone. My ad would look something like this:

In search of roomate for 2009-2010 school year. 2BD/2BA apt. Very spacious. Price $/mo located less than 2 miles away from campus.

About me: 20 yr old MCOM major / Art minor. Chill and relaxed. Not a party animal but sociable, a little OCDish. Likes music, movies, ice skating and coke slurpees. Serious student. Caring but not nosy.

About you: 19-22 yr old, also chill and relaxed. not annoying, able to clean up after yourself in common areas, reliable on rent, dont blast music at obscene hours of the night. wont have a bunch of strangers running thru my house. This is a home, not a brothel. But as long as you pay ur rent on time, clean up after urself and are considerate w should be fine.

If you think this is you... hit me up!

LOL. ok not exactly like that but something along those lines.
Anywho.. wish me luck on finding something GREAT and "Morgo"like.

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As I have stated 15 million times before, I work for the govt, uncle sammy, the man. lol.

This summer when i returned, I was displaced to the training room where there are crap loads of blasphemy constantly occurring. But thats another blog for another day.

So for my lunch break, I decide I want to go outside and chill. Get sum fresh air and a change of scenary. So I decided to sit on the shaded bench on the far side of the plaza. Ahhh. peace, relaxation... Im enjoying my time on the bench when this old white guy with a potbelly comes and sits down on the end of my bench. He pulls out a book and starts to read.

Ok cool. He isnt really disturbing my "me break". The wind is blowing gusts of fresh air around me. So I inhale.. ahhh. that was refreshing. i decide to take another deep breathe.. ahhewwwwwwww.. WTF is that. I look over to the man and he has hit this nasty fat old cigar and the wind is blowing its smoke in my direction. Of course I had to move. But I gave that guy the meanest look I could make as I walked by.

I mean, was that not rude of him to ruin my moment with his triflingness? Yes it is a public place but I was sittin there first. If he knew he was gonna smoke he should have sat somewhere alone. I dont smoke, the smell is nauseating to me. I def dont want my hair and clothing smelling like it. That crap follows u around all day. What a wanker!

So then I decide Im goin back inside cuz there are no other benches in the shade. I stop in the bathroom to relieve my bladder. As soon as I walk in, I am greeted by the aroma of cover up! I walk to my normal stall but someone is in there! (which messes with my OCD) but I have to go really badly so I choose the one furthest down. So soon as I lock my stall, I hear the person rustling... then.. ppppt. a wet one releases its sounds into the air followed by grunts and "plops". lol. Poor thing was holdin back for my sake. I felt so honored. So I left as quickly as I could.

Moral to all this is, sometimes its ok to be rude. Like in the bathroom, while I seriously find the thought of doing the do in public bathrooms, I hear the holdin it in isnt good for the body. So you gotta do what you gotta do. Its "natural". However, dont be like the guy and just pollute my air without having any type of reservation.

p.s. I dont think i will be using that stall anymore

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Another holiday I dont celebrate... I really think im gonna be one of those bitter old women who dont get excited about anything. Today well yesterday was fathers day. And I did not celebrate that bologna. Y? Cuz I dont have a biological father. I have a sperm donor. Someone who helped in conceiving me but after that was little assistance to my well being. Therefore I do not feel inclined to be out buyin cards and presents and extendin myself to my "father". A simple "Happy Father's Days" is quite sufficient. Which btw i didnt give him either.

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