The Evolution of Me

So I was having a conversation with X yesterday (yes, we talk again. long story. dont ask).. and I was explaining to him how I feel about my weight gain and my new body shape. When we were in middle and high school, I was teased about being too skinny. I longed for the day when I could fill out a pair of jeans. Now the day has finally come when I have curves and a little coke bottle shape and Im longing for the day when I return to a stick. He assured me that I looked fine (actually he told me that my body was great) and that I shouldnt worry. Cuz it makes no sense.

Then he started talking about how its a turn off for guys when an attractive female (such as myself) with alot going for herself (such as myself) finds the one thing she thinks isnt perfect about herself (my weight) and obsesses over it.

And that makes sense.

Its all about Confidence and Security.

Think about it. You ever see a really attractive female with a busted guy and wonder why??? It's probably because that guy was confident about what he has to offer. He was secure with himself. He might not be the best guy out there, but he is the best him and there is no other person just like him.

I also notice that on days when I feel best about myself, I walk a little differently. I exude pride in myself. And those are the days when I get approached by guys.

I have alot going for myself. Im 22, no kids, no real debt, good job, with a bachelors degree, currently seeking a dual masters. I am not obese or flubby. Just bigger than what I used to be (now: 5'8"32D-26-38 then: 5'8" 32A, 26, 34). And whats wrong with growing? Im still smaller than most of the chicks my age. No guy has ever seen me naked and urged me to put my clothes back on so why trip. I am perfectly me.

So from now on, I wont obsess over the 10 lbs Ive put on since high school. Im not going to work out 7 days a week, calorie count, and skip meals. Im going to look in the mirror everyday before I leave out and tell myself that I am perfect the way I am.

Confidence is swag. Its the one thing you must remember to put on everyday.

Become secure in what God has given you and let you confidence take you to new heights.

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I am soo tired of the IT guy at my job making remarks abt my hair.

I love my natural hair. While I may not be able to style it in cutesy styles and it has its off days, its MY hair. The hair GOD has given me. The hair that has grown out of me.

Sorry that I dont pur chemicals in my hair so u can feel better abt the way I look.

One of the most difficult things about life in general, is being comfortable in your skin and confident with yourself. Even on days when I dont feel the cutest, I am comfortable being me.

And if you dont like how I look, dress, talk, where my hair.. then stay away from me. Dont come into my cube talking smack....

I dont even know why he is talking... He just stapled the bottom of his pants together -_- If we discussing something thats not cute.. lets discuss THAT!

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So as a Federal Government employee, I am offered certain benefits such as transit subsidy in order to get back and forth to work. I hate the Metro. I hate the over crowdedness, I hate the smells, I hate the delays etc. But with gas rising, I need to be smart abt how I wanna use my precious gas. I decided to give Metro a try. My first issue with metro is the people. So many people, not enough space. Im gonna pay to stand up?? or to be squished by the "girthy" chick who thinks she can squeeze in the seat next to me because I dont take up that much room. Like literally I have been sat on. SMH. Then there are soo many germs. I swear its Metro should come out with a soundtrack called GERM. The coughs, sneezes, sniffles etc. Enough to drive a hypochondriac (aka me) insane. I try to drown out the noises with my ipod. Since my office moved to First St. I now have to ride the dreaded Red Line. Which means atleast a 45min ride because I have to transfer and all that good stuff. The Red line is notorious for its delays, track work etc. Which could increase my ride time 15-30 min. All in all, metro hasnt been that bad. But thats because I take the necessary precautions to ensure 1. that i have a seat, 2. that the train is air conditioned and 3. that no one talks to me. As I sit at my desk this morning, I hear that someone has been hit by a train on the Red Line in Bethesda. My first thought was "how rude of that person to try to commit suicide during rush hr" Does that make me selfish? A lady is trapped under a train and Im worried abt how that will effect my ride home 7 hrs from now. Hopefully the delays will be handled by the time I get off but still, what abt all the ppl who are made late, because some lady decided she wanted to end it all! What happened to doing those things in private? If it was truly an accident, I hope the lady is ok. But if she was just being a jerk, I have no sympathy for her. I just know that my train better be on time this afternoon.

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Well actually month 1.

We lasted a month and now Im feeling like I wanna call it quits with Tbone.

Dude hurt my feelings something terrible last nite. I went out of my way to plan a surprise trip to the mountains for his bday. His friends were all down and everything. So last night I finally told him and his reply?? was nothing! Not a thank you, not a smile, not an omg why did u do that...

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...

So after the stressing, the planning and etc, im cancelling. Im not making him go on a trip if he dont wanna. And I def wont extend myself for him anymore. Simple as that.

My mom n besties all think I am overreacting in cancelling the trip and I should give it a day or so. But Im so deeply hurt, I cant talk to him abt it. I just wanna be done with this trip and him... or atleast thats how I feel right now.

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Just saw a m effin tweet that really pissed me off.. This beotch gonna tweet "InNoWayShapeorForm should a darkskinned girl be considered attractive"

WTF.... why not? And to top it all off the girl was a BAB.. Basic Ass Bitch.... I kno several dark skinned girls who could shit on her on their worst day and her best...

I kno people are entitled to their own opinions or whatever but even still i dont understand why you would post something like that to Twitter... attention seeker? Maybe....

It just annoys me the level of ignorance still exists.. UGH!!!!

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Man... these past 2 weeks I have been 100% certifiably crazed. The cause?? I stopped taking my birth control pills... and ive been a complete and utter mess ever since.

Crazy Mood Swings
Forgetfulness
Lack of Appetite
Anxiety
Depression
Loss of Boo joint
A general loss of Common Sense

X is gone.. my crazy emotional self pushed him away. Not gonna trip. That was DEAD.

Im fat. even my eyelids are puffy. I think I have droppy lid. Havent exercised in like 2 weeks.. ugh. I cant stop looking at my body in the mirror or measuring myself with the tape measurer.

Ate breakfast on Sunday morning after church and was full until Monday night.

I spent $265 on two pair of pants - Temporary Insanity: Went back to return the items and they told me it was final sale...

$110 on a deep conditioner and an ugly hair cut - More insanity: Im looking for a new stylist. I needed a trim and i guess i waited too long cuz she maimed me. So now im back to bald head scally. which only highlights my weight gain.

The crazy crying sprees and feelings of sadness... im soo tightly wounded about everything...

Sigh... I have a dr appt on in the 7th.. hopefully she can fix me!

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Warning: This post is gonna be slightly reckless. Maybe offend some ppl but this needs to be said.

SO recently, Metro has decided that they are going to start doing random bag checks. Another "security" tactic to ensure public safety. I say its hogwash. Like wtf... why am i made to feel like a criminal? I am a citizen. I have rights. and If i dont want ppl knowing I have a bag full of tampons, or full of pornos then thats my right.

Yes there are crazy ppl in this world. But does one bad apple really ruin the entire bunch? I mean ppl commit suicide and there are American mass murders but still the real threat is from those who dont give a chicken shit abt the people in this country....

Traveling via airplane is such a daunting task. Security check alone is enough to make you want to say forget it and drive. Not only do u have to let them xray your bag, and u have to walk through the metal detectors after taking off your shoes, belts, earrings, loose change etc. but now they wanna do pat downs and all this extra stuff.

All this extra stuff wasnt necessary prior to 9/11. And im not tryna point fingers here but who was responsible for 9/11... they were foreigners. so why are you now punishing your citizens for the acts of ppl who arent even related to this country? its not right.

We are America. supposedly the land of opportunity and the free... so when take in ppl from other countries and they end up making things more difficult for the people who are already here. What kind of justice is this? You put the needs of those outsiders before those of your own people. We let them put up their temples, their stores. We down play our own traditions and culture to be accommodating to them. We honor their holidays, take religion talks out of schools...

Americans dont even have a culture. A mere flicker of the society we used to be. Dont get me wrong. Change is good and acceptance of difference is great. But people who come into our country need to respect that we have our own thing going on. When traveling to a foreign country, you brush up on the language, you learn the customs so as not to offend anyone. But when people come here they dont have to do any of that. Its not right.

We are sooo accepting and accommodating that we give gay and lesbians rights to adopt children, and to marry. Im sorry but to be gay is a sin against GOD. If he meant to two people of the same sex to be married and to bear children we would be asexual. Its a mockery of the system. In other cultures, gay people are exiled or even killed because it is not acceptable. We respect everybody and everything more than we respect ourselves. We have no moral ground. We have nothing to call our own. Thats why our society is soo shitty.

Im not trying to say that we shouldnt allow immigrants into the country or that gay people should be oppressed. All Im saying is that learn to value yourself, America. Then those who chose to live here will also value you.

I may not have said this politically correct but the main issue still stands... we need to get back to the basics.. Grow a pair America and stop letting other people rip you off.

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Last week, we had a 2 day mandatory training... a little session called "How to Save a Document 101"... cuz basically thats what we did. Spent 2 days learning how to save a document using the new software. My question is, these government employees are getting paid 5-6 digit salaries and dont have basic computer literacy skills???

Thats neither here or there.. during training, one of my coworkers pointed out to me this guy who apparently never washes his hands after using the bathroom..#PAUSE!
WTF u mean this guy dont wash his hands.... Thats just NASTY!

Anyway, ever since the training, this guy has made it a point to stop past my cube and make small talk with me. Touching stuff. I am repulsed. I just want to lysol down my entire cube.

Some things just shouldnt be allowed.

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Sigh...
Winter is banging at the door.
Normally, I welcome the change in weather. I love the cold. But I dont find this winter to be as enjoyable becuz I dont have my faithful uggs to keep my comfy.

Why u may ask?
Work bait has ONE.. not both.. JUST ONE of my uggs and wont give it back.
He is playing some kind of game. Im not one to keep callin and all that. I just want my stuff so I never have to speak to you again...

Sigh. Im almost at the point where Im like eff it. Gonna take my butt to Nordys and buy myself a fresh pair...

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I am really angry rite now.

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of the pelvic region.. more specifically near the coxal bone

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So today is my "father's" birthday. I am contemplating whether or not to call him. Other than holidays at my grandma's house, I never see the man, nor do I talk to him. So why do I need to pretend on these occasions that everything is great?

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I am officially in a bad mood.

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Im at a point when I dont give a ____

Its takin me 21 yrs to get here but now that Im here ppl better watch out.

Tell me y Rico had the BALLS to call me today..
called from a number resembling QMacs # so I thought it was him.. But when I heard the voice I was like uh who dis.. This fool gonna say "I just wanna say Im sor---" CLICK!

I hung up on dat a$$.

Tell me why the fool then proceeded to call me back. I didnt answer. Hopefully he wont be calling again. This is exactly why i need to get my ish changed. So no more random calls from the past can happen..

Later...
~Morgo the Heartless

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thats how i feel rite now

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Soo Friday it snowed...

ALOT.

Here it is Sunday and Im SNOWED IN.

Can sumone come shovel me out?

Where the hell are the snow plows????

I need to get the EFF out this house

The walls are closin in on me.

I have no safe haven.. my room has been takin over forcing me to retreat to the basement which is not my favorite place to be....

Has it stopped snowing yet?

Nope.

Wishful thinking.

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Today was one of those days.

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Have u ever been so hungry that you resort to eating the one thing that you said u wouldnt eat???

Well thats what happened to me today. I was soo hungry and didnt feel like leaving my job so I had to get MCDONALDS.

Sigh.

I am ashamed, but in this current state of emergency it doesn taste half bad.

I am prolly gonna regret this later this eve. My tummy is extremely sensitive.

Forgive me.

Morgo the Glutton

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My Cuzzo said the best way to live life is with NO EMOTION.

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