The Evolution of Me

Ahhh.... Its Wednesday. Normal Wednesday is Hump Day. The day that signifies that im almost thru with the work week. Sometimes it even represents ANTM (America's Next Top Model for all those who live under a rock). But this Wednesday is different than most for 2 no make that 3 reasons:
1. Its New Years Eve! PARRrrrrrrrrrrrTTTYyY!
2. Its also my R- Cup's Bday (yea she is def the baby)! Even more PARRrrrrrrrrrrrTTTTTyyy!
3. I get off work EARLY!!! OWwwwwwwww! Lol

So I am in a particularly good mood right now. Even to be sittin here in my little cubicle. I can not wait until the festivities begin. My day is planned as follows:
~ Go to work - CHECK (late)
~ Get off work
~ Go home and pack
~ Dinner
~ Party
~ Hotel to party sum more!

Somewhere in between gettin off work and the party I have to put together an outfit to wear or buy sumthin to wear tonite. Hopefully I will be as cost efficient as possible because I am broke! Sis BD hasnt given me back to $$ yet =(. But luckily my momma gave me sum spare change. I dont wanna spend it all tho. There is approx. 12/13 days before I get paid and I want to go see Seven Pounds and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; I have to eat everyday and who know what else may pop up in between now and then.

New Years Eve
They say however you bring in the New Year is how the rest of your year will be. I will be with my girls tonite and I would love to be with them for the rest of the year. Good friends can never be replaced by any man. I love my girls and the fun we have.

Im not really one to make a list of resolutions for the upcoming year. Im more of a reflector. I cant believe its bout to be 09. I can still remember my senior yr of high school, my first day of college, when I first met boo sigh. Where does the time go? I can actually say that I can see a transition in myself from the person I used to be to the person that I am now. Its exciting to see myself blossom into a woman. So the only thing I resolve in this upcoming year is to be myself. Continue growing into the woman that I want to be and take pride in being the person God made me. I pray that he continues to look out for me as he does everyday and that this time next yr I will be able to see more growth. Nothing can stay the same forever. The only things that are certain in life are death and change. And while Im hope that death is a ways off. I welcome the change everyday. I want to change for the better!

I wanna see my boo tonite but I doubt that will happen. I have always wanted to kiss somebody at the strike of midnite but I guess I will have to wait another year. Hopefully I will be able to see him sometime today tho. He called me last nite when he got out the Lil Wayne concert and said he was gonna come over when I got off work. I would love for that to happen but his time table is all off. And he will prolly have me waiting for hrs. I dont have that type of time because I need to find sumthin to wear tonite and get my eyebrows done (add that to the list!).

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Remember I briefly mentioned that I went to church this past sun? Well, the title of the message was from pain to prosperity. And basically I have come to the conclusion that they saying is definitely true. (u'll understand later)





People often stay in certain situations becuase it hurts too much and because they dont want to deal with the drama that it will take to get out of the situation. But u have to go thru it. Pain is around every corner. U cant avoid it. U can try to hide but eventually its gonna get u.





For example: I def despise my job. It sucks. But when pay day rolls around, I am a happy camper. Pain - going to work everyday Prosperity - $$$$$





I was with Rico for so long because I didnt wanna go thru the pain of feeling rejected or of being alone. But once I faced it, its a wight lifted off my shoulder. I am now free to be with the person who is right for me. PAIN - losing a companion Prosperity - the promise of a new exciting love who will make me 10000x happier than Rico ever could.



They are called growing pains for a reason. All those dumb cliches ppl quote are true: no pain, no gain / under the most pressure comes a diamond / etc. So I mean, all my rappin comes to the title of this blog in 09, dont run from the pain because in the end it will be worth it.

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I am at a point in which I have no expectations at all from the male species. I expect them to be males and therefore to be pigs. There are so many things women tend to overlook for the sake of "love." Im tired of being blinded. In 09 im callin it like I see it. A spade is a spade and these dudes out here are TRIFLING!

I am standing behind my choice to leave Rico in 08. Its for the best. Sigh. I will miss him but I gotta look out for myself since no one else will. I say these final words to him: "Rico, U knew it wouldnt last forever. So now's a good as time as any to give of the charade and keep it 100. U did me wrong. Its cool. I did u wrong too. Somethings just arent meant to work out."

My new text buddy, T-time, is kind of amusing. I dont really find him attractive but I like the entertainment. Our conversations often have me crackin up. Not at the things he says but at the responses I give him

T: How are you today?
Me: Im good. U?
T: Chillin. Thinkn about U ;)
just got back to Bmore
M: No work today?
T: No tomoro
M: Yea me too. Im not lookin forward to it either.
T;Well until then u can always come lay with me
M: ... doesnt sound interesting....
T: oh wow "played".... So u gonna let me be ur temp boyfriend?
M: Maybe. What do u have to offer over other candidates?

He goes into this spew about how he is honest and not jealous and what not, so I reply....

M: Interesting. The Board will review you application and get back to you with our final decision!
Then he segways into random stuff:
T: I think you have some sexy A$$ legs and a smile of deception. To be honest I find u extremely attractive and Im sure I would attempt to get with u
M: Well to be honest, the fact that you are temporary eliminates any chance of u gettin with me!

I do not have time to play these games with these little boys. I am lookin for a MAN. Someone who can fulfill all duties, not just the physical.

The true object of my affection is Biggums. IDK y tho. He is probably the most difficult person I have ever dealt with in my life. Maybe that's why I like him. He makes me work for what I want. I just hope that he isnt having me work this hard in vain.

Its crazy. There are some days I just want to tell him to KMA and chuck the dueces to him. But he is the only person who can make me mad one minute then 2 mintues later have me smiling. I enjoy lookin at his face. Its not all that cute to be honest but when I look at him I think awwww.... I just dont know how much longer I can sit around waiting for him to decide he wants to be with me. (I sound sprung... can we say PROBLEM!) I know he feels the connection we have. He has admitted it himself before.

Last night, we were arguing like usual. I made him mad because I wouldnt answer he question(see next paragraph). So then he makes me mad by sayin he wanted me gone. I told him that if he really felt that way all he had to do was say it to me and it was a done deal. He wouldnt say it. Then he started callin me all these gay pet names like Snuggles.. WTF. Then I did something else to annoy him. I knew he was mad so I put on my baby voice and asked him to come over. He said it was too late to come over but he would come tomoro.. (which is today)!!! We gave each other kisses n got off the phone. Thats classic us! We make each other mad, we get over it and then act mushy. His brother was in the background singin "break up to make up." lol

One of the biggest problems we have is that I dont answer his questions. Its not that I dont wanna answer his questions, its just that some of the questions he asks me are hard to answer. He is tryna figure me out. But I wont let him in my brain. I am an only child with abandonment issues from being left by my father. So to let a man get close enough to me to the point he is inside my head is not a comforting thought. Im not tryna be that girl who opens herself up and gets played! And even tho I have know Biggums for over a yr, I still dont see him as a semi-permanent fixture in my life. Until I can be sure that he is really not gonna leave or hurt me, maybe then I can let him in.

I would try to tell him what I just said, but he prolly wouldnt understand....ugh.. MEN!

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Ok. Sooo I guess I will start from Wednesday. I snuck outta work a tad earlier than my allotted 2 hrs. (My self given xmas gift from Uncle Sam) My mom isnt ready to get off work so instead of waiting for her, I just take the train (subway) to her job. Mind u that on Wednesday I wasnt feelin my hottest. I had a bad headache from all the issues clogging my brain (see previous blogs).
But anywho, I get on the train. That joint is packed! Everybody and their sister's cousin Tammy was on the train. Luckily I still got a seat. This old lady bombarded me with her huge bags. blockin the major walkway but I was small enough to squeeze between the pole and another lady and beat her to the last seat. VICTORY!!! (Take that old hag)
So I finally get to my mom's job. My head is bangin at this point. I just want to lie down and chill while my mother finishes her business. When she gets to the car she asks if I want anything. I initially say food but then I think about it and realize all I want is my bed. Everything was going well when all of a sudden I felt the urge. U know that feelin in the back of ur throat you get right before you throw up? Maybe it only happens to me but I felt it. We were about 10 minutes from home and there was nothing much to do. I grabbed a trash bag from the back of my car. (I keep trash bags in my car for when trifling ppl have the balls to eat n my car and then leave their trash) SO I grabbed and trash bag and let it rip! Trife- I kno but hey, it was either in the bag or on my floor. I go home and just lay down. I take a little nap and wake up feelin pretty good.

Biggums called me twice. He left me a message sayin how this was his second time callin me and and he just wanted to know what I was doin. But the way he said it was like "WTF u not answering my phone calls girl" lol. So I called him back and told him I was sick. He came over and brought me a slurpee. YES!!! Then we were laying in my bed watchin Dan in Real Life (which is this first movie we ever saw together). He got mad at me because I didnt remember that I saw it with him on our first date. So i just snuggled up to him. First he was like why are you on me? So I asked if he had a problem with it. He said no and moved back so I could rest my head on his chest. Ahhhh. It felt so good. I love laying on his chest for some reason. Its not too hard or too soft and always the perfect temperature. I can lay on him for a while and not have to move cuz his body heat was makin me too hot. He is a butthole but he can be sweet when he wants to be. More on him later...

Thursday
I layed around the house for most of the day, contemplating whether or not I was gonna go to the sperm donor's house. I decided I would go, but just be late so I wouldnt have to eat anything. So I got over there like around 4 (it started at 2 lol). Turned out to be a not bad experience after all. I got way more presents than I expected and my step mother steered clear of me for most of the eve. I left there and went to my grammy JoJo's house (mom's mom). Chilled there for a bit and then went back home. All n all, it was a solid day. I guess its all about your mentality when doing things you dont want to do.

Friday
I woke up early and took sis to the doc. We got there at 8 didnt leave till like 10:30. The whole procedure took all of 15 secs. It was pretty busy considering it was the day after xmas. But oh well. There was this one lady (she was 30) who got her sonogram so that they could determine the length of her pregnancy and the thing had arms, legs n everything. I thought she wasnt gonna go thru with it but she kept sayin she just wanted to get rid of it. You would think the doc would have told her that she was too late but all they did was charge her more $$$. PITIFUL.

Side bar: while I was there, I saw a poster. I tried to take a pic of it but it was blurry. It said "See Dick Aroused. See Dick with no protection. See Dick with a STD. Dont be a Dick. Use Protection" LOL. I thought it was pretty entertaining.

OK. We leave there and Im not feeling too hot. My stomach is doing somersaults as I drop sis off at her house. By the time I make it home I kno something bad is about to happen. I didnt know if it was comin out the attic or the basement but I knew it was comin!!! And before I knew it, there is was. I had the worst case of the runs and "earlin" I had ever seen in my life. I was up and down for like 3 hrs. Finally I got enough out of me to lay down for a few hrs. I was supposed to go out that night but I couldnt trust my body to be in a public outing. Sigh. I wake up to my mother callin me to pick her up from my JoJo's. I go. The first thing she say when she get in the car is "Ewww.. what is that smell?? Why does it smell like an old sick person who has been throwin up?" Geez mom, thanks for caring!

Saturday n Sunday
I stay in my bed all day on Saturday! I only got up to use the bathroom and to poor me something to drink. Still not to fond of food yet. It was good. A much needed break. On Sunday my n mom went to church then visited a few relatives.

HoHoHo.. Merry Xmas to me n my stomach virus (food poisoning) w/e

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Ok... I know it hasnt been long since my last post. (less than 2 hrs to be exact lol) But some things have transpired over the past 90 or so min that have turned my growl into a snarl...

1. Venting via my blog actually helped! I just had to get those feelings out!

2. I talked to my grandma (sperm donor's mom). She told me she has my xmas $$ and $$ for the month of December. She gives me $$ every month since I dont work full time. YESSS!!! That released some of the pressure I have of loanin sis $$ that I dont have. I can leave it alone and use what my grams gives me.

3. I went downstairs and grabbed a hot cocoa. The guy in the lobby was so nice. He sparked up conversation with me and gave me my cocoa for free. YAY!!! Of course his wife was in the back givin me the eye. Plz.. I do not Eeeeeeeven want ur man so chill-lay-lay.

4. As I was leaving the lobby this guy held the door for me (chivalry is not completely dead) and sparked small talk while I was waiting for the elevator.

Me: Thanks.
Guy: No Problem Sweet Thing. How is your day goin so far?
Me: Its going fine.
Guy: Thats good. You stay safe this holiday season. Keep yourself lookin good and Merry Christmas and all that... (elevator comes)
Me: Thanks.. you too (door close)

I dont know why these small random things made me feel better but they did. A little holiday cheer goes a long way I guess. So now I dont totally despise this day. We're still not friends tho.

Smoochez n Duecez

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Ugh. I am just disgusted with LIFE right now. Every single year without fail, my life goes into the downwards spiral. I am done. I am not celebrating anything anymore. Atleast not in the commercialized sense that everyone else does. Xmas break sucks! It always does. Thats why I often go into a hermit like state of mind around this time. And just when I thinks its ok to come out of my cave, something reminds me of why I was in there in the first place. The following reasons explain my holiday funk:

1. I hate work. It is boring as balls. Going in there doing dumb menial tasks that do not interest me at all. I get a headache everyday from lookin at the dumb computer screen. I want a job that is interesting. One in which I am doing something other than inputting data into a dumb excel spreadsheet. Office jobs are not for me. Maybe its not office jobs in general, just this one. The stuff I do doesnt interest me and therefore it doesnt jazz me up the way I would like for it to. I guess the bright side is that it is the holiday season and there are several days off work and early releases that I still get paid for.

2. I need money. I am trying to earn enough to give my mom some type of relief during the school semester when I am not working. I am flat broke. Cant even buy a respectable gift for the woman I love more than life. But the only way of making $$ short of selling my body, is my govt job which I despise at the moment. I ask myself is the money they pay me worth my unhappiness. The answer is NO! They definitely do not pay me enough. Maybe if I got a raise I would like my job more.... No, no.. I would probably still hate it. I just wouldn't complain as much.

3. I just want to hang out with my friends and keep my mind off things. But can I? NO. Everyday since I have been home. My mother has needed to use my car to do something. Im tired of it. Can I do something with my car?? I mean, I try to be selfless and let her use it because she doesnt have one and I know all the sacrifices she makes for me but geez. Can I have ONE day.. just one day in which my car is mine??

4. I have wanted a new laptop since the summer. My mother told me she would get it for me but something has always managed to come up. I was gonna get it for my bday as a dual gift from her and my sperm donor but he flaked on the money. Then I was gonna get it for xmas but she still dont have all the money because she hasnt been workin overtime because she has no car to go back and forth. Well, now she has most of the money and we came up with a plan that we would use this opportunity to build me some credit. I apply for the financing and they give em $1000 limit. Great right?? WRONG! Not when the laptop costs $1075. They wont give me more either. So now I have to wait again until all the money is there! I hate when my hopes are up and then they are crushed. It sucks!

5. Now I know you're thinkin well she has most of the $$ so it shouldnt be long before you can just pay it in full right?? WRONG again! Last night, my mother's husband's (Senior Trifling will be his name) grandmother passed. And my mom volunteered herself and my laptop $$ to pay for the funeral expenses!!! She said that she may not need to use it but I already know that she will need to because Sr. Trif dont have no $$$. Whish is why I cant use the laptop $$ to give sis a loan. If her trif baby ather dont give me the money back ASAP and my mom needs it for the funeral and it aint there, the only person who gonna be in trouble is ME.

And if that isnt the icing on the cake, I am being forced to attend said funeral. I know u might be thinking that I am being a brat right now and I do agree. I would be fine with not gettin my laptop if I didnt have to attend this funeral. I mean she wasnt my grandmother or my mothers grandmother for that matter. I do not consider him apart of my family nor me apart of his. I actually dont even like his family. His sister is rude and her kids are wild. Not my scene at all. I dont see why I am being forced to endure a day of sadness and being nice to people I dont like.

I know myself. I am going to have a standoffish attitude which is gonna piss my mother off and is gonna make us have a fight. All that can be avoided if I could just go to work, or stay home or do whatever it is that doesnt included going to the funeral or spending that day with his family.

6. Xmas dinner is at my sperm donor's house this year. I hate going over there. I dont consider myself apart of his family either. Go other there so he can pretend that he's a good dad, fake a smile, listen to his wife's mother rap me up about nothing while looking at a kitchen full of nasty food. Its something that I do not want to do. Plus, I wasnt invited. I mean my father knows my #, if he wanted me at his house on xmas day he would call and invite me. But my aunt asked me to come over there with her so she wouldnt be left alone. So I might slide through for an hr or so.
I cant say that things cant get any worse because I know that they can and I should be grateful for what I do have but I hate disappointments. I fell like my life is nothing but one disappointment after another. Im so tired of it. Im done. I know that the things that bother me may seem not important to some people but to me its big. People think that I have it good but people dont know the first flying flip about me. They dont know where I came from or what I had to live in or experience. So plz keep your comments to yourself if u cant be supportive of my tirade.

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Soooo.... It has been FOREVER since I last blogged. Im such a loaf! However now that school is officially over (insert applause and cheers here) I will be more apt to writing. I am so glad that Fall 08 semester is over. It was kinda stressful to say the least. So far I have gotten one A and two A-. Still 2 grades to go and Im kinda expecting Bs in both of them. The whole world knows how I feel about Bs but oh well. It is what it is and I cant do anything about it now. I can finally turn my brain off and relax so to speak. I really missed my mom alot because I wasnt coming home every weekend like i had been doing for my first two years of college.

Now I am home with her everyday.. which is terrific! I missed her soo much. Her laugh, her smile, just doing nothing with her. But unfortunately that means being home with her TRIFLING husband. UGh. Just the thought of him disgusts to me no end. Do all boys grow up to be trifling men? Is that like a requirement to be a man? If so, please hold my husband!!! I dont know if I am going to make it through the entire break without kirkin off on him. So far, he stays out of my way and I stay out of his. But I have only been home since Friday. I got another 4 weeks to go. Pray that I make it.

I have officially returned to my job with DHS. Today is my frist day back. Good ole govt job that pays me soo well for doing soo little.... how I love u and yet I hate u. I have to wake up too early and sit at a desk doing bull for 8 hrs a day. I cant hang out with my friends at night cuz I have to get up early in the morning. BLAH. Watev- Im gonna find a away to have some fun this break.. or else!!

Last night I saw him! We will call him Biggums. (IDK just random.. lol) But he came over last night. It was our first time seeing each other since the club fiasco back around thanksgiving. IDK what I am going to do with that boy. He is the only one I really want but at the same time I dont want him. Its complicated. Yesterday his brother said that we were funny together. He said it would be really funny to see if we ever did end up together. or even married... GULP!

IDK if I would go that far as to say that I would marry him. But I would like to see more of him. He makes me happy, until he opens his mouth and says something to piss me off! LOL But still there is something about him I cannot deny or just forget about. And it is really starting to tick me off... I have to know. I need to know. I hate not being in control!!!

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