The Evolution of Me

So I was having a conversation with X yesterday (yes, we talk again. long story. dont ask).. and I was explaining to him how I feel about my weight gain and my new body shape. When we were in middle and high school, I was teased about being too skinny. I longed for the day when I could fill out a pair of jeans. Now the day has finally come when I have curves and a little coke bottle shape and Im longing for the day when I return to a stick. He assured me that I looked fine (actually he told me that my body was great) and that I shouldnt worry. Cuz it makes no sense.

Then he started talking about how its a turn off for guys when an attractive female (such as myself) with alot going for herself (such as myself) finds the one thing she thinks isnt perfect about herself (my weight) and obsesses over it.

And that makes sense.

Its all about Confidence and Security.

Think about it. You ever see a really attractive female with a busted guy and wonder why??? It's probably because that guy was confident about what he has to offer. He was secure with himself. He might not be the best guy out there, but he is the best him and there is no other person just like him.

I also notice that on days when I feel best about myself, I walk a little differently. I exude pride in myself. And those are the days when I get approached by guys.

I have alot going for myself. Im 22, no kids, no real debt, good job, with a bachelors degree, currently seeking a dual masters. I am not obese or flubby. Just bigger than what I used to be (now: 5'8"32D-26-38 then: 5'8" 32A, 26, 34). And whats wrong with growing? Im still smaller than most of the chicks my age. No guy has ever seen me naked and urged me to put my clothes back on so why trip. I am perfectly me.

So from now on, I wont obsess over the 10 lbs Ive put on since high school. Im not going to work out 7 days a week, calorie count, and skip meals. Im going to look in the mirror everyday before I leave out and tell myself that I am perfect the way I am.

Confidence is swag. Its the one thing you must remember to put on everyday.

Become secure in what God has given you and let you confidence take you to new heights.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Summer is right around the corner.

I'm an exhibitionist. So I would like to be able to wear minimal clothes and NOT look like a whale. Since I graduated college, I don't get my daily walks. I sit on my butt all day at work and snack... SMH Needless to say, I have put on a few. My hips have spread and my thighs have thickened. The only plus side to this is my butt is getting rotund (Did I mention the guy at the carryout who requested permission to smack it?!?!?!)

I digress, I am still smaller than most. I can still put on my clothes. But I don't like the way they fit and I don't like the number I see when I get on the scale.

My initial reaction was to stop eating... I found that hard to do. Then I started researching crash diets... but because I don't eat a wide range of foods that was nearly impossible. I do eat some veggies but not most. And fruit makes me nauseous so I would have to follow up with an abundance of ginger ale... I tried to eat yogurt one day and literally GAGGED!!! I couldn't swallow it. SMH... I tried this on two different occasions with two different flavors and brands and couldn't get it down. I also tried to make myself eat a salad... but considering the fact that I don't like lettuce, tomatoes, onion, corn, or salad dressing... i have no clue how I will do that either..

Next was diet pills... I found one that seems to be the best and safest. It’s called Adapexin - P. It’s not cheap but it has a money back guarantee. They seem to have positive reviews... but you just never know. Plus since I'm on birth control, I don't want to take anything that may make that ineffective....

So I decided I would try to do this the healthy way and exercise. I started looking for a gym. My besti Tack goes to Planet Fitness. So on Monday, I decided I would check things out. They have 3 locations relatively close to where I live. I wanted to check each one out and see what they have to offer. Based off their locations I knew one would be full of hood rats, one would be full of old pervs and the last full of ppl I went to high school with..... How will I ever choose??? I decided to call and see how much a day pass was. My thought was that I could go to each facility, work out then make a final decision. Well to my surprise a day pass is $20!!!! WTF?? $20 for an hr or two when a full month’s membership is $10... If that's not blasphemy, IDK what is.

Instead, Brownie and I went and took tours of 2 facilities (old perv town and small world high school). We decided small world high school was more spacious... Strangely enough there was no one from my high school there. Guess they are all satisfied being fat cows. And in a more plot twister, the gym offers Pizza Mondays for members... SWHS had Papa Johns... OPT had Domino's (yuck). Of course we picked the place with Papa Johns.

Now let’s pause for a second to dissect the genius that is Planet Fitness... 1. They charge astronomical prices for day passes, which prompts one to eagerly sign up for the membership deal. 2. They have pizza mondays... they lure you in, and keep you fat. Thus keeping membership numbers high... You have to respect the hustle.

Yesterday, Brownie and I decided to take advantage of our new memberships. I worked out for a little over an hr. I did 2 miles on the treadmill and 7 miles on the bike. I wanted to use the machines that target hips, thighs and abs but my legs felt like jelly. Even though I think I did alright for my first time out, I only burn 250 calories... I need to do more. I have to do more. More stamina, more distance, more speed, more calories... I want to see my results... Within the next 2 - 3 months.... More muscle, less flub and fat.

Prolly go tonight again... It’s not a game. I will get my body looking like Ping Pow Pacquiao.... if it’s the last thing I do.

If u guys have routines that get results, lemme know...

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Well I didnt call off the trip.
But things are still on the outs between TBone and I.
Not because he has done anything, but because Im just not feeling him anymore.

U kno the adrenaline u get when u first meet someone and everything to roses and rainbows??? Well the adrenaline is now goen for me, I as much as I would like to look at him how I used to, I just cant.

He on the other hand is still on the adrenaline. Still wants to see my everyday and blah blah blah. The more he presses the more I pull away. And a little birdie tells me that he is thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend... I just hope he doesnt do it this weekend, in front of his friends and my friends... cuz I will be forced to give him the same blank stare he gave me when I first told him about that trip. *crickets*

This weekend it going to be interesting to say the least. Im gonna try to take one for the team and not kirk off on him. But when we get back, im gonna have to break the news. Ugh. Just thinking about him trying be all close to me is making me feel ill.

How do nicely say "you're not good enough for me. so lets stop wasting time"??

*shrugs*

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I think anyone who knows me knows that I am scared of all bugs and animals.. YES i do mean all. But my other fear in life is getting fat. I think it has stemmed from the realization that 1/2 of my gene pool resembles The Klumps.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Warning: This post is gonna be slightly reckless. Maybe offend some ppl but this needs to be said.

SO recently, Metro has decided that they are going to start doing random bag checks. Another "security" tactic to ensure public safety. I say its hogwash. Like wtf... why am i made to feel like a criminal? I am a citizen. I have rights. and If i dont want ppl knowing I have a bag full of tampons, or full of pornos then thats my right.

Yes there are crazy ppl in this world. But does one bad apple really ruin the entire bunch? I mean ppl commit suicide and there are American mass murders but still the real threat is from those who dont give a chicken shit abt the people in this country....

Traveling via airplane is such a daunting task. Security check alone is enough to make you want to say forget it and drive. Not only do u have to let them xray your bag, and u have to walk through the metal detectors after taking off your shoes, belts, earrings, loose change etc. but now they wanna do pat downs and all this extra stuff.

All this extra stuff wasnt necessary prior to 9/11. And im not tryna point fingers here but who was responsible for 9/11... they were foreigners. so why are you now punishing your citizens for the acts of ppl who arent even related to this country? its not right.

We are America. supposedly the land of opportunity and the free... so when take in ppl from other countries and they end up making things more difficult for the people who are already here. What kind of justice is this? You put the needs of those outsiders before those of your own people. We let them put up their temples, their stores. We down play our own traditions and culture to be accommodating to them. We honor their holidays, take religion talks out of schools...

Americans dont even have a culture. A mere flicker of the society we used to be. Dont get me wrong. Change is good and acceptance of difference is great. But people who come into our country need to respect that we have our own thing going on. When traveling to a foreign country, you brush up on the language, you learn the customs so as not to offend anyone. But when people come here they dont have to do any of that. Its not right.

We are sooo accepting and accommodating that we give gay and lesbians rights to adopt children, and to marry. Im sorry but to be gay is a sin against GOD. If he meant to two people of the same sex to be married and to bear children we would be asexual. Its a mockery of the system. In other cultures, gay people are exiled or even killed because it is not acceptable. We respect everybody and everything more than we respect ourselves. We have no moral ground. We have nothing to call our own. Thats why our society is soo shitty.

Im not trying to say that we shouldnt allow immigrants into the country or that gay people should be oppressed. All Im saying is that learn to value yourself, America. Then those who chose to live here will also value you.

I may not have said this politically correct but the main issue still stands... we need to get back to the basics.. Grow a pair America and stop letting other people rip you off.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Every now and again.. ok.. everyday.. i feel the need to be blunt and direct with ppl in my life abt how i am feeling abt certain things... So i decided to hit up X regarding the bad back seat action from the other night. But then as I thought more into it.. i just kept thinking of more and more stuff to say. Long story short... it ended up being like an ECR - Extended Constructed Response.. like the ones they use to make us write in high school. Here are a few snippets:

“I started thinking abt the other nite and why it wasn’t a good as it could have or should have been. Was it the environment? Was it me thinking too much? Was it the fact that I was annoyed you were texting your “ex” earlier the evening while we were in the car?.. idk.. it felt more like a business transaction than anything else……………………

I wanna get close to u but at the same time I know u not done with your ex/current girl so basically at any moment u could say forget me…. ….

We dont go out. We dont do gay stuff like flirting or kissing. If u were interested in me as more than a friend we would…… "

I told u before that u remind me of my ex. And that could be one of the reasons I continue to talk to u despite u not doing things guys normally do when they like someone. Or maybe that’s the reason I think I might have feelings for u. Or maybe its cuz I feel like I cant have u.

I didnt proof it. I just spoke openly and I prolly said more than I shouldve. But oh well. Its all out there now.

His response: "Soo you didnt enjoy the other nite???"
After eeeeeverything I said, he only zoned in on me telling him it wasnt good...

What am I gonna do with him?

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Sooo.. I have officially began my initiation into the Slores club.

I have been struggling with the decision to (or not to) pounce on X. We have known each other for abt 10 yrs but only been about one year since we have started "talking". Its been alot of back and forth, with my mostly. Its not that I dont want to. Im a woman. I have needs. I just also have a conscience that often times wins during battles. Here are the 5 main factors:

1. X is not my boyfriend. So just having sex with him would make me a F*** Buddy right?
2. In fact I believe X has a girlfriend even though he claims they are broken up, they still talk (and F***). Sleeping with someone elses boyfriend makes me a bad person right?
3. If I did do it, it would be like the start of casual sex with him and then other guys with no type of real commitment. So then I would be a hoe?
4. Whats the point in having sex if i dont see a future with him? I personally dont want a rack of sex partners...
5. Im trying to live right by GOD. Premarital sex is a sin.

I ran these ideas past my 2 besties... Brownie told me that I should just try it out. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life. Rita asked me how would I feel afterwards. And thats a good question. Like would I be disappointed in myself? Has my value decreased? What if im not good (its been a while, maybe i forgot how to work it)? What if he isnt good? How will that affect our friendship? blah blah blah

Well on Saturday, after a few patron margaritas, I felt like I was finally ready to "try it out". But things didnt work out as planned. So then I took that as a sign that maybe it wasnt supposed to happen for us.

Yesterday was my day off. As I lay in the bed, I couldnt stop thinkin about him.. or it. So when he got off, I called and asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me. He agreed. I get to his house. He comes out. We drive off.. Then abt a block away from his house, I notice that he is texting his chick.... i am immediately annoyed and just want to take him back to his house. So I text Brownie n tell her to call me and act like she needed me right that second. She did. lol. Told X i had to take him home so I could help Brownie.

We are almost at his house when he says lets do a quickie in the car. I told him I didnt want to do a quickie in my car. Then was like ok... lets do it in my truck. I figured hey.. might as well. I get in his truck, we drive to some random location and then it was make it or break it time.

As if I wasnt already nervous and second guessing my decision to "try it out" in the first place, now I have to add in the factors of doing it, quickie style, in a parking lot. I decided to give it a try. I stripped off my clothes, climbed in the back seat. His leather seats were freezing.... He climbed back there with me. I sat on top of him reverse cowgirl style... He asked me if I was sure. I was honest and said I didnt know.

He started kissing on my back, rubbing on me, grabbing Pinky and the Brain (my boobs lol).... then his fingers worked his way down.. after a few rubs, I pull down my vickis and prep for the entry. Didnt take as long as it normally has in the past. Maybe it was the position.. but we started moving... and then I saw a car drive past.... and then a person... so i kept stopping. Then after the coast was clear I restarted. The juices were flowing heavily... it surprised him as well as myself. All bodily signs we a go... But my head of banging the ceiling and I was squished. It was cold... the whole thing was not enjoyable. We both agreed that it was a failed attempt. I put my clothes on and we drove back to my car.

He asked me how did i feel... I felt... wet. My panties were soaked.. (my juice box dont play). but other than that, i felt no real emotion abt what just occurred. I got in my car and drove home. On the drive, I replayed what had just occurred... I couldnt believe I actually did that. Im such a skank. I called Brownie and told her what had happened. She told me to go back to his house and complete the mission. But I declined.

He wants to try again tonite, this time in the house, with more space, less cold and an all around better atmosphere. But idk if i want to. I mean, if it was good, that would be one thing, but it was mediocre. I dont know if it was on my part or his. It didnt feel nothing like how it felt with Rico.. idk if it was a size thing, or if it was because it had been so long for me, or if was because I was soo wet, i couldnt feel him or if its cuz im not in love with him.

If this is what casual sex is like, I think im going back to Nun life until I get in a committed relationship.. or atleast find someone I have strong feelings for.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

My apologies in advance. This post is all over the place. No real flow to it. Forgive me.


Im ready to attack.... life.
Sick of going thru the motions of living. I want to LIVE.
No time to be scared of rejection. No time to run thru the gazillion ways it could go wrong. Im talking abt that If you aint with it run from it" type of lifestyle... no regrets.

Seriously considering going back to Grad school. Time is $$ and I might as well learn more so I can earn more.

I think Im ready for Love... like seriously. I feel like I am finally over Rico and I just want to be able to start to trust again. Im ready to try my luck at this thing seriously. Before, I was talking to guys not because I was genuinely interested in them, but because I wanted to pass the time. Most of them were unavailable in one way or another so it was a safe journey because I knew that I would only have to let them in a little. They were temporary.

Im 22, full time govt job, abt to start grad school, own car, bills under control... I pat myself on the back... Im juggling it all well and now its time to add something new to the mix.

If not a man, then a hobby. I would really like to start modeling again. I tried out for Top Model back in July (obviously I didnt get a callback). Just because that door didnt work otu for me, maybe I could try again. Get back in with the Fashionistas. My new work buddy... Ima call her "Honey", is a model. She does shoots for Essence all the time. Semi jealous. Thats how I wanna be in a few yrs... 24, driving a Benz, good job, handsome and equally successful boyfriend who brings in side money for looking pretty.

One thing is for sure, I aint gonna get there by sitting on my patoot bloggin.. gotta get out there.

Lata.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Ive learned a few things

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

after countless night of analyzing facts, situations and experiences I have come to one conclusion:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I get bored in class... so i write down lil thoughts:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

of the pelvic region.. more specifically near the coxal bone

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

Today I got the urge to write, havent felt it in a while.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

IDK why but I always wake up around 3am...

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

January 25th was the first last day of my undergraduate career. Bitter sweet I suppose one would say. I love school. Always have. People joke about me being a professional student but I have always had a thirst for knowledge. I like knowing things. Plus Ive always been good at it. I think Ive only seen a C once in my entire academic career on a report card and that was in HS with AP Chemistry. Other than that I love competing with myself. pushing myself or not pushing it but proving to myself that I have mastered a new concept. I remember in elementary school I was known as the smart girl. Its been apart of my identity ever since I can remember. In a few months, a part of my identity will be gone. Is a dancer who no longer dances still a dancer???

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I have a bet going that I have to be positive for the next 72 hrs...

Apparently, everything that comes out of my mouth is drippin with disdain... so hey im gonna try it. Actually I started yesterday but as I tried to stay positive, more things made me feel negative.

Case in point, Scooby is sick and to get her well, it will cost me a pretty penny... approx 120000 pennies to be exact... As soon as I got that news I started to weep internally. I work hard all break and in one feel swoop, my funds are depleted.. smh.

Hopefuly I can keep a suny disposition because I actually do have many things to be positive and upbeat for...

1. Today is Jan 20, which means that exactly 4 months from now, I will be a college grad.
2. I woke up this morning
3. I have a job
4. I have a car (even tho it needs repairs, I still have it which is more than some ppl can say)

So yep. Its all in the way you look at things. I am indeed my mothers child and seeing as how she is never satisfied, neither am I. But I cant change her. I can only control myself and hopefully I will be able to correct this character flaw of mine... OR ELSE!!!

l8r hoes

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

So today is my "father's" birthday. I am contemplating whether or not to call him. Other than holidays at my grandma's house, I never see the man, nor do I talk to him. So why do I need to pretend on these occasions that everything is great?

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I have been overcome with overwhelming sadness all of a sudden.

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

1. I am tired. Idk y. I go home everyday after work and take naps but I havent been able to sleep through the nite for a while. Like I dont remember the last time I have slept without waking up in the middle of the nite.. Guess I have alot on my mind. I kno I do, but I gotta master how to put that ish to the side when its bed time... I needs my rest.

2. My office is moving 2moro to our new building. My half cube is packed. I didnt even need a whole box. lol. Im mad they makin me come in tomoro morning. They giving us a half day. But Im already packed so y I gotta come in at all??? They also got the game twisted if they believe that I am gonna pack up ish that aint mine... Sorry. Not gonna fly. The reason I have a govt job is so I wouldnt have to do manual labor... plus I have a preexisting condition (Wii accident) that prevents me from strenuous activity.

3. I wanna go on a Freakin-A ski trip before I go back to school. Oh, I will not be on any skiis, I wanna go snowboarding and once I get tired of eating snow.. I will snow tube and chill in the cabin. It was originally supposed to be a me, brownie, tack thing. But I figured the more ppl, the funner it would be. The problem is that having to find a weekend that works for everybody is tough. Ugh. Im bout to say eff it. Somebody better ATLEAST take me iceskating or Im gonna have a TUDE.

4. Ive come to the conclusion that I am a PH (punk hoe). I can pretty much say anything and am ballzy in general except when it comes to my feelings. I dont share them things with no-one.. well i do on occasion but rarely is it with the person that I feel them for, unless its anger, I have gotten good at expressing my anger to certain ppl.. like males lol. I have issues with being mushy. IDK y.

5. Did u just sit here and read the ramblings of a unrested-govt employee who doesnt know if she does or doesnt have a boo??? Leave a comment. Ask a question. I need some new blogs to follow.

• 
• 
• 
• 
•