The Evolution of Me

This winter sure has been a white one. I cant remember in all my years that everytime I turn around it another snow storm brewing. Mother Nature I have stuff to do.

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Ugh. I am just disgusted with LIFE right now. Every single year without fail, my life goes into the downwards spiral. I am done. I am not celebrating anything anymore. Atleast not in the commercialized sense that everyone else does. Xmas break sucks! It always does. Thats why I often go into a hermit like state of mind around this time. And just when I thinks its ok to come out of my cave, something reminds me of why I was in there in the first place. The following reasons explain my holiday funk:

1. I hate work. It is boring as balls. Going in there doing dumb menial tasks that do not interest me at all. I get a headache everyday from lookin at the dumb computer screen. I want a job that is interesting. One in which I am doing something other than inputting data into a dumb excel spreadsheet. Office jobs are not for me. Maybe its not office jobs in general, just this one. The stuff I do doesnt interest me and therefore it doesnt jazz me up the way I would like for it to. I guess the bright side is that it is the holiday season and there are several days off work and early releases that I still get paid for.

2. I need money. I am trying to earn enough to give my mom some type of relief during the school semester when I am not working. I am flat broke. Cant even buy a respectable gift for the woman I love more than life. But the only way of making $$ short of selling my body, is my govt job which I despise at the moment. I ask myself is the money they pay me worth my unhappiness. The answer is NO! They definitely do not pay me enough. Maybe if I got a raise I would like my job more.... No, no.. I would probably still hate it. I just wouldn't complain as much.

3. I just want to hang out with my friends and keep my mind off things. But can I? NO. Everyday since I have been home. My mother has needed to use my car to do something. Im tired of it. Can I do something with my car?? I mean, I try to be selfless and let her use it because she doesnt have one and I know all the sacrifices she makes for me but geez. Can I have ONE day.. just one day in which my car is mine??

4. I have wanted a new laptop since the summer. My mother told me she would get it for me but something has always managed to come up. I was gonna get it for my bday as a dual gift from her and my sperm donor but he flaked on the money. Then I was gonna get it for xmas but she still dont have all the money because she hasnt been workin overtime because she has no car to go back and forth. Well, now she has most of the money and we came up with a plan that we would use this opportunity to build me some credit. I apply for the financing and they give em $1000 limit. Great right?? WRONG! Not when the laptop costs $1075. They wont give me more either. So now I have to wait again until all the money is there! I hate when my hopes are up and then they are crushed. It sucks!

5. Now I know you're thinkin well she has most of the $$ so it shouldnt be long before you can just pay it in full right?? WRONG again! Last night, my mother's husband's (Senior Trifling will be his name) grandmother passed. And my mom volunteered herself and my laptop $$ to pay for the funeral expenses!!! She said that she may not need to use it but I already know that she will need to because Sr. Trif dont have no $$$. Whish is why I cant use the laptop $$ to give sis a loan. If her trif baby ather dont give me the money back ASAP and my mom needs it for the funeral and it aint there, the only person who gonna be in trouble is ME.

And if that isnt the icing on the cake, I am being forced to attend said funeral. I know u might be thinking that I am being a brat right now and I do agree. I would be fine with not gettin my laptop if I didnt have to attend this funeral. I mean she wasnt my grandmother or my mothers grandmother for that matter. I do not consider him apart of my family nor me apart of his. I actually dont even like his family. His sister is rude and her kids are wild. Not my scene at all. I dont see why I am being forced to endure a day of sadness and being nice to people I dont like.

I know myself. I am going to have a standoffish attitude which is gonna piss my mother off and is gonna make us have a fight. All that can be avoided if I could just go to work, or stay home or do whatever it is that doesnt included going to the funeral or spending that day with his family.

6. Xmas dinner is at my sperm donor's house this year. I hate going over there. I dont consider myself apart of his family either. Go other there so he can pretend that he's a good dad, fake a smile, listen to his wife's mother rap me up about nothing while looking at a kitchen full of nasty food. Its something that I do not want to do. Plus, I wasnt invited. I mean my father knows my #, if he wanted me at his house on xmas day he would call and invite me. But my aunt asked me to come over there with her so she wouldnt be left alone. So I might slide through for an hr or so.
I cant say that things cant get any worse because I know that they can and I should be grateful for what I do have but I hate disappointments. I fell like my life is nothing but one disappointment after another. Im so tired of it. Im done. I know that the things that bother me may seem not important to some people but to me its big. People think that I have it good but people dont know the first flying flip about me. They dont know where I came from or what I had to live in or experience. So plz keep your comments to yourself if u cant be supportive of my tirade.

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Soooo.... It has been FOREVER since I last blogged. Im such a loaf! However now that school is officially over (insert applause and cheers here) I will be more apt to writing. I am so glad that Fall 08 semester is over. It was kinda stressful to say the least. So far I have gotten one A and two A-. Still 2 grades to go and Im kinda expecting Bs in both of them. The whole world knows how I feel about Bs but oh well. It is what it is and I cant do anything about it now. I can finally turn my brain off and relax so to speak. I really missed my mom alot because I wasnt coming home every weekend like i had been doing for my first two years of college.

Now I am home with her everyday.. which is terrific! I missed her soo much. Her laugh, her smile, just doing nothing with her. But unfortunately that means being home with her TRIFLING husband. UGh. Just the thought of him disgusts to me no end. Do all boys grow up to be trifling men? Is that like a requirement to be a man? If so, please hold my husband!!! I dont know if I am going to make it through the entire break without kirkin off on him. So far, he stays out of my way and I stay out of his. But I have only been home since Friday. I got another 4 weeks to go. Pray that I make it.

I have officially returned to my job with DHS. Today is my frist day back. Good ole govt job that pays me soo well for doing soo little.... how I love u and yet I hate u. I have to wake up too early and sit at a desk doing bull for 8 hrs a day. I cant hang out with my friends at night cuz I have to get up early in the morning. BLAH. Watev- Im gonna find a away to have some fun this break.. or else!!

Last night I saw him! We will call him Biggums. (IDK just random.. lol) But he came over last night. It was our first time seeing each other since the club fiasco back around thanksgiving. IDK what I am going to do with that boy. He is the only one I really want but at the same time I dont want him. Its complicated. Yesterday his brother said that we were funny together. He said it would be really funny to see if we ever did end up together. or even married... GULP!

IDK if I would go that far as to say that I would marry him. But I would like to see more of him. He makes me happy, until he opens his mouth and says something to piss me off! LOL But still there is something about him I cannot deny or just forget about. And it is really starting to tick me off... I have to know. I need to know. I hate not being in control!!!

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WTF I am soo freakin Annoyed. I come home to spend time with my mother and all she wants to do is work all weekend. Thats all she ever does. Im so tired of it. Im so tired of every freakin a thing. I just want to run away to be by myself where people cant annoy me and things wont bother me. UGH.

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Last night, I was so tired that I barely made it home. I think I actually fell asleep at the wheel a couple of times but W/E.. So I get home, strip off all my clothes and dive right into my bed. AHHHH! I find the perfect spot and position to lay in, all the tension in my body releases and Im ready to drift off into LaLaLand when all of a sudden "DING". WHO IS AT THE FLIPPIN DOOR!?!? So I answer it thinking its my mom who frequently leaves her keys, but it turns out to be my cousin. Dang I shoulda looked out the peep hole.

This fool just walks right on in. Excuse the hell outta me. So he goes into my bedroom and gets on my laptop, logs onto facebook and does some other crap. Then he asks can he use my phone. So Im like cool, maybe he will use the phone and then leave. This fool calls some girl in ATL and as soon as she picks up they start yelling and cussin each other out. WTF...

They going back and forth, from what i can gather from where Im listening is that she mad he dont call her. She calls his house lookin for him and no one answers. He uses the excuse that he dont answer numbers from out of area because they are normally bill collectors (which is true. flippin bill collectors stop callin my momma house!!!) They are going at it for about 20 min. They are threatening to knock each other out, at which point I am starting to get annoyed. But the icing on the cake was when they finally calmed it down enough to be able to talk civilized to one another and he says "So what are you gonna do to keep me in your life??" EXCUSE THE HELL OUTTA ME

First of all, who the hell do you think you are talkin to like that in the first place? No "MAN" (lemme change that because these little boys our here think they "men" and cant take care of a pet rock), no male will EVER talk down to me, threaten me, or belittle me in such a way. If it happened once, it damn sure would not be happening again. But not just that, the fact that my cousin actually thinks that some girl would want to "keep him in her life" is astonishing. He has absolutely nothing to offer her and clearly has no respect for women, well its clear he has none for her.

When they got off the phone, I asked him why does he even talk to her if thats the way they interact. What he told me didnt surprise me, it disgusted me and made me embarrassed to be related to him. I told him that as a female, I was offended by the way he treated that girl and if thats how he wants to treat his friends then do it not in my presence or using my phone. Then i asked him to leave so I could finally go to sleep.

Im sorry but to the girl in ATL gettin played like a fool. YOU R DUMB! My cousin has a girlfriend here that he is supposedly "faithful" to. He was just using you for ur money and now that you dont have any, he doesnt call anymore. Stop callin, stop textin him, sendin him messages on facebook, myspace, what have you and get on with your life. The fact that you even want to continue dealing with him is DUMB. Its clear you dont have high standards set for yourself as you think you need to be with someone who treats you so poorly. Get yourself together. You are a contributing factor to the reason why dudes today think they can do want they want, say what they want and women will just take it. People will treat the way you allow them to treat you. They way you allow dudes to treat you now sets the tone for how you will let men treat you in the future. Have more RESPECT for yourself and DEMAND more for yourself. Dont think that you have to settle for anything less than what you deserve. Yea you may lose a few that you like along the way. Just remember what one wont do another one will.

HMPH... I wish a N***A would...

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