... i just love the idea of u.
spent time with Senor Smooth last week. sigh.
IDK why he makes me weak. Physically, he isnt my type. ( I love dark chocolate, he is mellow yellow)
But I find myself falling.. against my better judgment..
Thank you Lauryn Hill...
I tell u. People now a days dont have a concept of respect. It can be earned, given, lost, etc.
And if I respect you, the least you can do is reciprocate.
TBONE pulled his own noose and hung himself with me last nite. We are texting and he calls me another chicks name. The name of a chick who likes him, but he "dont like her like that and doesnt talk to her". The name of the chick that said I was ugly. The name of the chick who looks like her face has been stung my bees and never recovered....
And on top on that how retarded do you have to be to TEXT someone another chicks name? I mean clearly, my name and picture were in the left corner of the screen while he was sending the text.
So I simply told him I was done. I dont have time for the games and I will not tolerate being disrespected by anyone!! SIMPLE AS THAT!
#lifegoeson
Sigh...
Tbone has been on a relentless mission to get back in my good graces...
Friday night I allowed (yes, i have the power) him to take me to McCormick and Schmicks for dinner. We talked. He swears things are on the up and up but I beg to differ. Then Sunday we went to Fatburger and then to the park. I will admit I did enjoy spending time with him but I cant allow myself to get swallowed up in the woo...
After we talked I feel like we are still at a stale mate. I think we want two different things. Or rather we want the same thing, but I just want it from someone who is more on my level. His priorities, responsibility, finances, education, etc arent up to the level that I would like someone who I claim to be my boyfriend to be.
And I can only say so much to him about it. He is sensitive... and I dont want to hurt his feelings because I honestly do kinda like him but I wont allow myself to be duped! I have too much going for myself.
So what are the right words to gently bruise the male ego? Cuz them suckas are the biggest babies I know when it comes to pride. SMH.
Anywho,
Tomorrow is my stalker, Cleotis' birthday.. I would text him and wish him well but weve been doing good on the no texting, calling, etc. and I dont want to mess that up. lol
Next Monday is Senor Smooth's birthday... this negro had the nerve to request a freakin Beats by Dre headphones from me... uh what??? we been out on ONE date! FAIL!!! Mind you all I got on my bday, christmas, and valentines day was a phone call...
SMH.. MALES... almost enough to make u turn to the other side... ALMOST!
So I survived the trip. I didnt push T Bone off a mountain or anything.
The highlights:
- the house was amazing
- jello shots!
- lots of drinking
- snow tubing and mountain coaster
During one of the drunken nights, Brownie, Rita and I were taking shots and the topic of areolas was brought up. (dont judge us) Like how small is too small or how big is too big? I personally dont think an areola should be bigger than a freaking half dollar.. unless u have some serious whoppers... *shrugs*
Tbone asked me to be his GF.. AGAIN.. and again.. i declined... but in a way as to not ruin the entire weekend.
I was ready to come back home on Saturday. Being around ppl for continuous amts of time has never been my strong suit. I just wanted to get home to my mommy and my monster.
All in all, if i had to do it over, I wouldnt...
But u know, u live and u learn.
Last night, TBone asked if I still felt the same way abt being in a relationship with him. So I broke it all down to him. Abt me feeling like 1. it was too soon 2. i did have an intention of gettin serious when we met and 3. he isnt established enough in my opinion (no job or school, irresponsible. etc)... And lets just say that he wasnt happy. He got very dramatic. Overemotional males are such a turn off... which made me just say... maybe we shouldnt hang out anymore..
And I actually feel ok with that.
Well I didnt call off the trip.
But things are still on the outs between TBone and I.
Not because he has done anything, but because Im just not feeling him anymore.
U kno the adrenaline u get when u first meet someone and everything to roses and rainbows??? Well the adrenaline is now goen for me, I as much as I would like to look at him how I used to, I just cant.
He on the other hand is still on the adrenaline. Still wants to see my everyday and blah blah blah. The more he presses the more I pull away. And a little birdie tells me that he is thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend... I just hope he doesnt do it this weekend, in front of his friends and my friends... cuz I will be forced to give him the same blank stare he gave me when I first told him about that trip. *crickets*
This weekend it going to be interesting to say the least. Im gonna try to take one for the team and not kirk off on him. But when we get back, im gonna have to break the news. Ugh. Just thinking about him trying be all close to me is making me feel ill.
How do nicely say "you're not good enough for me. so lets stop wasting time"??
*shrugs*
Well actually month 1.
We lasted a month and now Im feeling like I wanna call it quits with Tbone.
Dude hurt my feelings something terrible last nite. I went out of my way to plan a surprise trip to the mountains for his bday. His friends were all down and everything. So last night I finally told him and his reply?? was nothing! Not a thank you, not a smile, not an omg why did u do that...
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...
So after the stressing, the planning and etc, im cancelling. Im not making him go on a trip if he dont wanna. And I def wont extend myself for him anymore. Simple as that.
My mom n besties all think I am overreacting in cancelling the trip and I should give it a day or so. But Im so deeply hurt, I cant talk to him abt it. I just wanna be done with this trip and him... or atleast thats how I feel right now.
Sigh... in 2 days it will be a month.
A month since TBone and I have been talking.
I like him... alot.
(but I always like them alot atfirst lol)
Something different about him tho.
He is NOT crazy. lol
Hopefully he sticks around for a while.
So its been almost 2 weeks since I have talked to X... thats dead...
All I want is the $$ he owes me.. and if he doesnt give it to me... then its a lesson learned and I will chalk it up to experience. Im getting a bonus for my postive performance review anyhow.. so it'll all balance out with no harassing effort on my part.
Nigga hit me up on Friday and asked me for some names to a mall.. but seeing as how u dont have the $$ to give back to me, how and why are you at the mall??? TRIF! I didnt give him any mall tips.. users and abusers only hit you up when they want something.. its sad to see and say.
But I have a new one.. (quick right lol). Gonna keep that under wraps for a little while until we see how it goes... if he is a jump off there is no need assigning him an alias... But I will say is that i missed smiling like this...
Besos
Every now and again.. ok.. everyday.. i feel the need to be blunt and direct with ppl in my life abt how i am feeling abt certain things... So i decided to hit up X regarding the bad back seat action from the other night. But then as I thought more into it.. i just kept thinking of more and more stuff to say. Long story short... it ended up being like an ECR - Extended Constructed Response.. like the ones they use to make us write in high school. Here are a few snippets:
“I started thinking abt the other nite and why it wasn’t a good as it could have or should have been. Was it the environment? Was it me thinking too much? Was it the fact that I was annoyed you were texting your “ex” earlier the evening while we were in the car?.. idk.. it felt more like a business transaction than anything else……………………
I wanna get close to u but at the same time I know u not done with your ex/current girl so basically at any moment u could say forget me…. ….
We dont go out. We dont do gay stuff like flirting or kissing. If u were interested in me as more than a friend we would…… "
I told u before that u remind me of my ex. And that could be one of the reasons I continue to talk to u despite u not doing things guys normally do when they like someone. Or maybe that’s the reason I think I might have feelings for u. Or maybe its cuz I feel like I cant have u.
I didnt proof it. I just spoke openly and I prolly said more than I shouldve. But oh well. Its all out there now.
His response: "Soo you didnt enjoy the other nite???"
After eeeeeverything I said, he only zoned in on me telling him it wasnt good...
What am I gonna do with him?
Sooo.. I have officially began my initiation into the Slores club.
I have been struggling with the decision to (or not to) pounce on X. We have known each other for abt 10 yrs but only been about one year since we have started "talking". Its been alot of back and forth, with my mostly. Its not that I dont want to. Im a woman. I have needs. I just also have a conscience that often times wins during battles. Here are the 5 main factors:
1. X is not my boyfriend. So just having sex with him would make me a F*** Buddy right?
2. In fact I believe X has a girlfriend even though he claims they are broken up, they still talk (and F***). Sleeping with someone elses boyfriend makes me a bad person right?
3. If I did do it, it would be like the start of casual sex with him and then other guys with no type of real commitment. So then I would be a hoe?
4. Whats the point in having sex if i dont see a future with him? I personally dont want a rack of sex partners...
5. Im trying to live right by GOD. Premarital sex is a sin.
I ran these ideas past my 2 besties... Brownie told me that I should just try it out. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life. Rita asked me how would I feel afterwards. And thats a good question. Like would I be disappointed in myself? Has my value decreased? What if im not good (its been a while, maybe i forgot how to work it)? What if he isnt good? How will that affect our friendship? blah blah blah
Well on Saturday, after a few patron margaritas, I felt like I was finally ready to "try it out". But things didnt work out as planned. So then I took that as a sign that maybe it wasnt supposed to happen for us.
Yesterday was my day off. As I lay in the bed, I couldnt stop thinkin about him.. or it. So when he got off, I called and asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me. He agreed. I get to his house. He comes out. We drive off.. Then abt a block away from his house, I notice that he is texting his chick.... i am immediately annoyed and just want to take him back to his house. So I text Brownie n tell her to call me and act like she needed me right that second. She did. lol. Told X i had to take him home so I could help Brownie.
We are almost at his house when he says lets do a quickie in the car. I told him I didnt want to do a quickie in my car. Then was like ok... lets do it in my truck. I figured hey.. might as well. I get in his truck, we drive to some random location and then it was make it or break it time.
As if I wasnt already nervous and second guessing my decision to "try it out" in the first place, now I have to add in the factors of doing it, quickie style, in a parking lot. I decided to give it a try. I stripped off my clothes, climbed in the back seat. His leather seats were freezing.... He climbed back there with me. I sat on top of him reverse cowgirl style... He asked me if I was sure. I was honest and said I didnt know.
He started kissing on my back, rubbing on me, grabbing Pinky and the Brain (my boobs lol).... then his fingers worked his way down.. after a few rubs, I pull down my vickis and prep for the entry. Didnt take as long as it normally has in the past. Maybe it was the position.. but we started moving... and then I saw a car drive past.... and then a person... so i kept stopping. Then after the coast was clear I restarted. The juices were flowing heavily... it surprised him as well as myself. All bodily signs we a go... But my head of banging the ceiling and I was squished. It was cold... the whole thing was not enjoyable. We both agreed that it was a failed attempt. I put my clothes on and we drove back to my car.
He asked me how did i feel... I felt... wet. My panties were soaked.. (my juice box dont play). but other than that, i felt no real emotion abt what just occurred. I got in my car and drove home. On the drive, I replayed what had just occurred... I couldnt believe I actually did that. Im such a skank. I called Brownie and told her what had happened. She told me to go back to his house and complete the mission. But I declined.
He wants to try again tonite, this time in the house, with more space, less cold and an all around better atmosphere. But idk if i want to. I mean, if it was good, that would be one thing, but it was mediocre. I dont know if it was on my part or his. It didnt feel nothing like how it felt with Rico.. idk if it was a size thing, or if it was because it had been so long for me, or if was because I was soo wet, i couldnt feel him or if its cuz im not in love with him.
If this is what casual sex is like, I think im going back to Nun life until I get in a committed relationship.. or atleast find someone I have strong feelings for.
Life after graduating has proven to be less than interesting thus far. I reached peak boredom approximately 3 days in. Daily life consists of waking up around my normal time of 7am and going to get the little booger so that my mother can catch a few winks. We take a community nap (his favorite place to sleep is on me).Then its feeding time. Occasionally, we take a trip to the doctors office. And I magically turn into Morgan Freeman and drive Mr. and Mrs. Daisy everywhere they need to go. Complete with commentary of how fast I am going, which lane I should be in and how to get over. Mind you, this is in a car, that contains NO air conditioning, and the driver window does not roll down. So plenty of coke slurpees to avoid heat stroke is a requirement. After a week of this, I retired my chauffeur's cap and thusly "chose" to sit in the back making sure the little peanut doesnt "choke or act out" in his carseat during the drive, but atleast the back window rolls down.Yesterday was especially splendid as we took a trip over to my aunts house to visit her and those little goobers. Prior to leaving the house, I informed my mother that it was imperative for us to be home no later than 7:55pm so that I may watch the season premiere of Secret Life. She agreed to these terms. As soon as 7pm came around I started ushering her to rap things up. But alas, my efforts were futile. She had to eat, she wanted to print out this picture and blah blah blah. As we were walking out the door, she dropped a cup of soda and had to clean it up. By the time that was over, it was 7:40. Not enough time to make it home. So it was decided that I was to stay in the house and watch my show, while she and my aunt went to the grocery store. Now why this may sound like a win, it was definitely NOT. I was able to turn to the channel that my show was being played on. But trying to watch tv while synonymously making sure a 2yr old, a 1 yr old and a 3 week old are in the same condition as when their parents left the house isnt the easiest task on earth. Instead of hearing the dialog of the characters, I heard war cries for milk, juice and popsicles and that was when they werent jumping off furniture, opening cabinets, climbing all over me, or poking at the baby. It was interesting to say the least.
after countless night of analyzing facts, situations and experiences I have come to one conclusion:
Welp.. X is gone... Cant say im sad or happy about it. I knew i while back that I couldnt see myself with him LONG term. I dont think I can see myself with anyone long term actually. Too much of a solo act.
First Cleotis.. Now MickeyB
I cant believe Im sayin this... but Im actually feelin him. I chilled with him for a bit tonite and it was great. Nothin and no one but me and him.
My heart and mind and at odds again.
A convo with the mother yesterday yeilded an astonishing revelation....
