The Evolution of Me

I cant breathe.

I cant stay.

I cant afford to leave.

Too much anger.

Too many tears

Wanna break free

Held back by fears

Hopelessly cemented 

in a lose lose situation

Dont ask. Today is just not a good day.

PEARL HARBOR

Now I am not normally one for war or action movies of anytype (more of a romantic comedy chick) but this movie was good. Besides the lovely plot line. I feel like I learned so much, like it reinforced the dumb stuff they taught me back in history. LOL.

One thing in particular, I feel like Japan was on point in their attack method. Like no one could ever fault them for lack of plan. If I was ever gonna attack sumone, I do go about it in a similar fashion, with the element of surprise, in large numbers. Especially since the US just thought they were too great to be harmed. 

Anywho. just thought I would share that. If ur ever bored and catch it on tv, check it out.

Dudes

Think they soo smart.... soo smooth.. NOT!

Atleast when it comes to me. 

School is ending and wouldnt u know it. Not even one day home, Mickey B is callin me up. In the middle of the day at that. Normally he all worried about his daytime minutes and what not. LOL. Today I get 2 phone calls, and he rapped me up. The sad thing is, I was expecting this. I wish he woulda let me down but I know him to well. I know the games males play too well. See I figured out his game a while ago. I thought I let him kno that I was hip to the groove but I guess he think Im sum dumb joint.

So what did I do? I shut his ish down and took control. DUH. he asking me when Im comin home, I ask him y. He say he just wanna kno and Im like for what.. U miss me or sumthin? He like no. So y u all in my business? IDK. Well when u figure it out lemme kno and then I will figure out when im comin home. Then he finally admits that he wants to see me. LOL. I even got him to say it twice. 

But I'm not gonna see him for a few weeks. Atleast def NOT this weekend and he wont be high on my list anytime after that. I know u may be thinkin isnt it childish to go back and forth with these games??? U did all that work for to get him to admit he wanted to spend time with u and now u gonna stand him up?!? YES. I am an advocate for keepin it 100 but Mickey B isnt in the place where we can take our relationship to 100. All that I am doing to proctectin myself from gettin played. Im not tryna play him tho. Just want him to stop tryna play me for a fool. Gotta look out for #1. 

In other males related news, D is really tryna make me his girlfriend. Umm I think I will pass. WHY??? 1. Im not attracted to him (or atleast his pic). 2. He has a 2 yr old son. 3. He smokes. 4. He works at Giant and has no plans of going to school to better himself. 5. He is younger than me. Like what would be my point? He is sweet and all that but its just not there for me. In order for him to be sumone I would consider being with, he would need to cut his hair, stop smokin, start goin to school so he can one day he another job. 

I dont wanna be the naggin heifer who wants to change everything about him. I want the guy I'm with to accept me for me and I believe everyone deserves the same respect. So it would be unfair for me to bun him and request all these changes. Im not tryna get played but I dont wanna play sumbody else in the meantime and between time...

thats all for now.. 

I soooo can not wait til this semester is over. Its crazy how bad I want it to end. Like Im soo over it. and Im over this wack part time job too. I have serious issues when it comes to work. Like before school started I was uber sick of the govt. Now Im ubersick of this place. Its not that I am completely anti-work. I dont mind doing work when its somethign meaningful and not sum mind-numbing task that a trained chimp could do. I also think that part of my problem is that I kno that I dont HAVE to work to survive. Parent work because they have to provide or they have sumthin to work for... (kids). If I quit a job, I will still have a place to stay, food in my mouth, clothes on my back (maybe not new things as much as I buy them myself but they would be bought).  I keep tellin myself.. just 2 weeks left. But it does little to console me. I feel trapped. By the mundane. Everything is so routine in my life. I wake up, I go to class, I go to work, I go home to watch tv and to bed. Like eww... what kind of life is that? I see the same ppl day in and day out. The walls of the everyday are closing in on me to the point that I feel myself short of breath some days... crazy right?

Im ready for a change. A change in scenery, A change in lifestyle, A change in myself. Im anxiously waiting for the moment when change comes. People say change is gradual but I think change can be instantaneous if u allow it to come. I want change so bad I can taste it. I think im gonna  just do it. Make the changes within myself first and then maybe the changes in other areas will come.

Met this speciman... well I had previously met him but this time he decides he wants to make his move on me. In the midst of his rappin he as

ks me what do i want in a guy. I didnt answer because I feel like its too soon for him to be pickin my brain and what not and i wasnt feelin him in the first place. So I flipped it on him. But it did make me think... What do I want in a guy??

Honestly... I D frickin K. I want attractive, tall, with sumthin goin for himself. Sumone who knows when to be serious and when to  play, who knows when I want be hugged and when he should back away, who can be spontaneous but not completely irresponsible. I want good guy with a touch of thug. I know what I dont want moreso than what I do what. I dont want no punk hoe, I dont want a clown, I dont want a man whore, I dont want sumone who is clingy and all into cuddling and that mushy stuff. Im such a complex and random person, I just need sumone who can keep up with my many moods. But most of all I just want this:

 I want sumone I can say this to and he will do it. But right now, I just dont trust that there really is a person out here that can do this for me. At least not in my current line up... anywho.. just food for thought.

If ur out there, I cant wait to meet u.

♥ Morgo