Tomorrow I start my new job as a Financial Analyst for the Dept of Navy. Its a whole new ball field. There will be alot of changes. No more 2 hr lunches, no more dressing how I want, leaving early, taking snoozes under my desk and most significantly NO PHONE ALL DAY!!! smh. Im nervous but excited.
Ok. So I have a twitter. But I always said I wouldnt be that person who spewed their feelings via twitter.. cuz that aint the venue for a emotional party. so here goes the push:
My first grad school class hasnt even been over for 3 days and Im already missing it. Now that I dont have homework. I dont have anything to do at work. Ugh.
Its beyond frustrating.
Good thing I wont have to worry about this too much longer. I am getting a new job soon... with a Top Secret Clearance and greater promotion potential. And I heard they actually do work there.. so woot woot!!!.
I have mixed feeling about leaving tho. Ive made a pro con list for both agencies:
DHS (current job)
Pro: been here for 4 yrs. I was the only student worker they brought back after budget cuts and after I graduated, they promised me a job and here I am. I do what I want (2 hr lunches, leave early, come in late, etc). no work to do so I have time to complete my schoolwork. Its the norm. In 2 months I will be up for a promotion.
Con: I AM BORED. I do nothing all day. I do the same things now that I did as a student intern. There is no challenge. Im over it.
DOD (new job)
Pro: top secret clearance (i can go anywhere with that), new opportunity, greater growth potential ($$$$)
Con: Having to start over as the rookie (learning the ropes, proving myself, no long lunches etc) cant take my cell phone in my actual office!!! Might have to start my yr over in order to get my promotion.
I mean, I am a loyal person. But I feel like I cant grow here. Its dead. Im basically over it. But I admit, I will miss my freedom.
Im ready for something new..
And continuing on with being ready for new things, I think Im ready to be in a relationship. Key Word: THINK.
I just want to see if I can do it. My friends and family doubt it though. *some support system* HMPH!
We shall see whats to come.
So I was having a conversation with X yesterday (yes, we talk again. long story. dont ask).. and I was explaining to him how I feel about my weight gain and my new body shape. When we were in middle and high school, I was teased about being too skinny. I longed for the day when I could fill out a pair of jeans. Now the day has finally come when I have curves and a little coke bottle shape and Im longing for the day when I return to a stick. He assured me that I looked fine (actually he told me that my body was great) and that I shouldnt worry. Cuz it makes no sense.
Then he started talking about how its a turn off for guys when an attractive female (such as myself) with alot going for herself (such as myself) finds the one thing she thinks isnt perfect about herself (my weight) and obsesses over it.
And that makes sense.
Its all about Confidence and Security.
Think about it. You ever see a really attractive female with a busted guy and wonder why??? It's probably because that guy was confident about what he has to offer. He was secure with himself. He might not be the best guy out there, but he is the best him and there is no other person just like him.
I also notice that on days when I feel best about myself, I walk a little differently. I exude pride in myself. And those are the days when I get approached by guys.
I have alot going for myself. Im 22, no kids, no real debt, good job, with a bachelors degree, currently seeking a dual masters. I am not obese or flubby. Just bigger than what I used to be (now: 5'8"32D-26-38 then: 5'8" 32A, 26, 34). And whats wrong with growing? Im still smaller than most of the chicks my age. No guy has ever seen me naked and urged me to put my clothes back on so why trip. I am perfectly me.
So from now on, I wont obsess over the 10 lbs Ive put on since high school. Im not going to work out 7 days a week, calorie count, and skip meals. Im going to look in the mirror everyday before I leave out and tell myself that I am perfect the way I am.
Confidence is swag. Its the one thing you must remember to put on everyday.
Become secure in what God has given you and let you confidence take you to new heights.
Last night, I went back to the gym. It wasnt a very successful trip tho. I just wasnt in the mood. I only did half of what I was supposed to...
20 min Elliptical on Hill level 10
3 set of 10 on the sit up bench
3 sets of 10 on hyperextension
2 sets of 10 and 1 set of 5 on Roman Chair
2 sets of 10 on Chest Press
I skipped the fly, row, biceps and triceps... SMH...
definitely a failed attempt.
Mentally I wanted to workout, physically my body was moving but I wasnt motivated. Plus ever since I dislocated my shoulder in 2006 and 2008, doing things with my upper body doesnt feel confortable. Some days I cant sit back in my seat because my shoulder blades sticks out.
Today I feel uber sluggish. Not sure why. But thanks to all that ab work, I feel like my stomach is skrinking. If nothing else, my mid section will be on point.
So Ive been on my new get fit / lose these thunder thighs so I can fit into my clothes nicely...
I joined the gym and have been going atleast twice a week for the past month or so. I havent really seen any results so I enlisted the assistance of a personal trainer.
He and I (and this other lady who wanted training) sat down to discuss things like current routines, goals, etc. When its the lady's turn to share she says... "I want to lose weight! But I dont wanna be boney. I still wanna keep my curves... I cant stand skinny girls" and then kind of gives me a side eye....
I am not even boney. I calculated my BMI. I am in the normal range. Even before I gained these 10 lbs, I was in the normal range. So she just must be upset that I could take her man.
The next day, I return to the gym. I follow the workout routine that the trainer gave me. I couldnt help but notice six eyes that were constantly glued to me. Another group of cake chasers, giving me the stank eye.
I mean DAMN... tell em why you mad!
Can I get fit and tone without a bunch of hating??? I am hurting anybody. Its supposed to be a judgement free zone. That means that I dont judge hefty ppl AND they dont get to judge me.
Anyway.. Here is a workout summary for Day 1:
Elliptical : 45min on Hill Level 10 and 5 min cool down
Leg Press: one set of 25 reps (45lbs)
Leg Curl: one set of 25 reps (45lbs)
Calf Extentions: one set of 25 reps (35 lbs)
Lower Back Extentions: two sets of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Abdominals: one set of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Ab Curnch: one set of 15 reps (30 lbs)
Torso Twist: one set of 15 reps per side (50lbs)
Glutes: one set of 15 reps per leg (50 lbs)
Arc Trainer: 5 min level 15
All in all, it was a successful evening at the gym. I hope to build up my reps and weights. and I cant wait to see the results.. Next.. Im doing upper body.
Get it Right and Keep it Tight
... i just love the idea of u.
spent time with Senor Smooth last week. sigh.
IDK why he makes me weak. Physically, he isnt my type. ( I love dark chocolate, he is mellow yellow)
But I find myself falling.. against my better judgment..
I am soo tired of the IT guy at my job making remarks abt my hair.
I love my natural hair. While I may not be able to style it in cutesy styles and it has its off days, its MY hair. The hair GOD has given me. The hair that has grown out of me.
Sorry that I dont pur chemicals in my hair so u can feel better abt the way I look.
One of the most difficult things about life in general, is being comfortable in your skin and confident with yourself. Even on days when I dont feel the cutest, I am comfortable being me.
And if you dont like how I look, dress, talk, where my hair.. then stay away from me. Dont come into my cube talking smack....
I dont even know why he is talking... He just stapled the bottom of his pants together -_- If we discussing something thats not cute.. lets discuss THAT!
So as a Federal Government employee, I am offered certain benefits such as transit subsidy in order to get back and forth to work. I hate the Metro. I hate the over crowdedness, I hate the smells, I hate the delays etc. But with gas rising, I need to be smart abt how I wanna use my precious gas. I decided to give Metro a try. My first issue with metro is the people. So many people, not enough space. Im gonna pay to stand up?? or to be squished by the "girthy" chick who thinks she can squeeze in the seat next to me because I dont take up that much room. Like literally I have been sat on. SMH. Then there are soo many germs. I swear its Metro should come out with a soundtrack called GERM. The coughs, sneezes, sniffles etc. Enough to drive a hypochondriac (aka me) insane. I try to drown out the noises with my ipod. Since my office moved to First St. I now have to ride the dreaded Red Line. Which means atleast a 45min ride because I have to transfer and all that good stuff. The Red line is notorious for its delays, track work etc. Which could increase my ride time 15-30 min. All in all, metro hasnt been that bad. But thats because I take the necessary precautions to ensure 1. that i have a seat, 2. that the train is air conditioned and 3. that no one talks to me. As I sit at my desk this morning, I hear that someone has been hit by a train on the Red Line in Bethesda. My first thought was "how rude of that person to try to commit suicide during rush hr" Does that make me selfish? A lady is trapped under a train and Im worried abt how that will effect my ride home 7 hrs from now. Hopefully the delays will be handled by the time I get off but still, what abt all the ppl who are made late, because some lady decided she wanted to end it all! What happened to doing those things in private? If it was truly an accident, I hope the lady is ok. But if she was just being a jerk, I have no sympathy for her. I just know that my train better be on time this afternoon.
Depsite what ppl told me about only exercising every other day. I decided to go the gym again last night. Took Tack with me. The best mistake I couldve made. He made me get on the elliptical.. I burned more calories in 20min on the elliptical than i did on the treadmill and the bike. The fool put the machine of the Hills workout... My legs were screaming at me only 4 mintues in. But i did the entire program. I just closed my eyes and tried to zone out into my music. Im not a sweater, but I definitely felt the glisten on my skin. Next we went to the ab machines. This fool had me doing crunches with 30lbs attached. I couldnt even sit up. lol. So he reduced it to 10. I did my little reps and was pooped. SMH... All in all I think I'm doing great. I would love to go tonight but my abs and glutes hurt... Maybe I should take this one day of rest... But tomorrow I will back at it.
Summer is right around the corner.
I'm an exhibitionist. So I would like to be able to wear minimal clothes and NOT look like a whale. Since I graduated college, I don't get my daily walks. I sit on my butt all day at work and snack... SMH Needless to say, I have put on a few. My hips have spread and my thighs have thickened. The only plus side to this is my butt is getting rotund (Did I mention the guy at the carryout who requested permission to smack it?!?!?!)
I digress, I am still smaller than most. I can still put on my clothes. But I don't like the way they fit and I don't like the number I see when I get on the scale.
My initial reaction was to stop eating... I found that hard to do. Then I started researching crash diets... but because I don't eat a wide range of foods that was nearly impossible. I do eat some veggies but not most. And fruit makes me nauseous so I would have to follow up with an abundance of ginger ale... I tried to eat yogurt one day and literally GAGGED!!! I couldn't swallow it. SMH... I tried this on two different occasions with two different flavors and brands and couldn't get it down. I also tried to make myself eat a salad... but considering the fact that I don't like lettuce, tomatoes, onion, corn, or salad dressing... i have no clue how I will do that either..
Next was diet pills... I found one that seems to be the best and safest. It’s called Adapexin - P. It’s not cheap but it has a money back guarantee. They seem to have positive reviews... but you just never know. Plus since I'm on birth control, I don't want to take anything that may make that ineffective....
So I decided I would try to do this the healthy way and exercise. I started looking for a gym. My besti Tack goes to Planet Fitness. So on Monday, I decided I would check things out. They have 3 locations relatively close to where I live. I wanted to check each one out and see what they have to offer. Based off their locations I knew one would be full of hood rats, one would be full of old pervs and the last full of ppl I went to high school with..... How will I ever choose??? I decided to call and see how much a day pass was. My thought was that I could go to each facility, work out then make a final decision. Well to my surprise a day pass is $20!!!! WTF?? $20 for an hr or two when a full month’s membership is $10... If that's not blasphemy, IDK what is.
Instead, Brownie and I went and took tours of 2 facilities (old perv town and small world high school). We decided small world high school was more spacious... Strangely enough there was no one from my high school there. Guess they are all satisfied being fat cows. And in a more plot twister, the gym offers Pizza Mondays for members... SWHS had Papa Johns... OPT had Domino's (yuck). Of course we picked the place with Papa Johns.
Now let’s pause for a second to dissect the genius that is Planet Fitness... 1. They charge astronomical prices for day passes, which prompts one to eagerly sign up for the membership deal. 2. They have pizza mondays... they lure you in, and keep you fat. Thus keeping membership numbers high... You have to respect the hustle.
Yesterday, Brownie and I decided to take advantage of our new memberships. I worked out for a little over an hr. I did 2 miles on the treadmill and 7 miles on the bike. I wanted to use the machines that target hips, thighs and abs but my legs felt like jelly. Even though I think I did alright for my first time out, I only burn 250 calories... I need to do more. I have to do more. More stamina, more distance, more speed, more calories... I want to see my results... Within the next 2 - 3 months.... More muscle, less flub and fat.
Prolly go tonight again... It’s not a game. I will get my body looking like Ping Pow Pacquiao.... if it’s the last thing I do.
If u guys have routines that get results, lemme know...
is this thing on?
This is my first post VIA Blogger-Droid.
Hope I like it.
Miley Cyrus said it best.. "Theres always gonna be another mountain." When we will be on flat ground?? Will I ever be able to rest?? Current Mood: Tired and Cold..
Thank you Lauryn Hill...
I tell u. People now a days dont have a concept of respect. It can be earned, given, lost, etc.
And if I respect you, the least you can do is reciprocate.
TBONE pulled his own noose and hung himself with me last nite. We are texting and he calls me another chicks name. The name of a chick who likes him, but he "dont like her like that and doesnt talk to her". The name of the chick that said I was ugly. The name of the chick who looks like her face has been stung my bees and never recovered....
And on top on that how retarded do you have to be to TEXT someone another chicks name? I mean clearly, my name and picture were in the left corner of the screen while he was sending the text.
So I simply told him I was done. I dont have time for the games and I will not tolerate being disrespected by anyone!! SIMPLE AS THAT!
#lifegoeson
Sigh...
Tbone has been on a relentless mission to get back in my good graces...
Friday night I allowed (yes, i have the power) him to take me to McCormick and Schmicks for dinner. We talked. He swears things are on the up and up but I beg to differ. Then Sunday we went to Fatburger and then to the park. I will admit I did enjoy spending time with him but I cant allow myself to get swallowed up in the woo...
After we talked I feel like we are still at a stale mate. I think we want two different things. Or rather we want the same thing, but I just want it from someone who is more on my level. His priorities, responsibility, finances, education, etc arent up to the level that I would like someone who I claim to be my boyfriend to be.
And I can only say so much to him about it. He is sensitive... and I dont want to hurt his feelings because I honestly do kinda like him but I wont allow myself to be duped! I have too much going for myself.
So what are the right words to gently bruise the male ego? Cuz them suckas are the biggest babies I know when it comes to pride. SMH.
Anywho,
Tomorrow is my stalker, Cleotis' birthday.. I would text him and wish him well but weve been doing good on the no texting, calling, etc. and I dont want to mess that up. lol
Next Monday is Senor Smooth's birthday... this negro had the nerve to request a freakin Beats by Dre headphones from me... uh what??? we been out on ONE date! FAIL!!! Mind you all I got on my bday, christmas, and valentines day was a phone call...
SMH.. MALES... almost enough to make u turn to the other side... ALMOST!
So I survived the trip. I didnt push T Bone off a mountain or anything.
The highlights:
- the house was amazing
- jello shots!
- lots of drinking
- snow tubing and mountain coaster
During one of the drunken nights, Brownie, Rita and I were taking shots and the topic of areolas was brought up. (dont judge us) Like how small is too small or how big is too big? I personally dont think an areola should be bigger than a freaking half dollar.. unless u have some serious whoppers... *shrugs*
Tbone asked me to be his GF.. AGAIN.. and again.. i declined... but in a way as to not ruin the entire weekend.
I was ready to come back home on Saturday. Being around ppl for continuous amts of time has never been my strong suit. I just wanted to get home to my mommy and my monster.
All in all, if i had to do it over, I wouldnt...
But u know, u live and u learn.
Last night, TBone asked if I still felt the same way abt being in a relationship with him. So I broke it all down to him. Abt me feeling like 1. it was too soon 2. i did have an intention of gettin serious when we met and 3. he isnt established enough in my opinion (no job or school, irresponsible. etc)... And lets just say that he wasnt happy. He got very dramatic. Overemotional males are such a turn off... which made me just say... maybe we shouldnt hang out anymore..
And I actually feel ok with that.
Well I didnt call off the trip.
But things are still on the outs between TBone and I.
Not because he has done anything, but because Im just not feeling him anymore.
U kno the adrenaline u get when u first meet someone and everything to roses and rainbows??? Well the adrenaline is now goen for me, I as much as I would like to look at him how I used to, I just cant.
He on the other hand is still on the adrenaline. Still wants to see my everyday and blah blah blah. The more he presses the more I pull away. And a little birdie tells me that he is thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend... I just hope he doesnt do it this weekend, in front of his friends and my friends... cuz I will be forced to give him the same blank stare he gave me when I first told him about that trip. *crickets*
This weekend it going to be interesting to say the least. Im gonna try to take one for the team and not kirk off on him. But when we get back, im gonna have to break the news. Ugh. Just thinking about him trying be all close to me is making me feel ill.
How do nicely say "you're not good enough for me. so lets stop wasting time"??
*shrugs*
Well actually month 1.
We lasted a month and now Im feeling like I wanna call it quits with Tbone.
Dude hurt my feelings something terrible last nite. I went out of my way to plan a surprise trip to the mountains for his bday. His friends were all down and everything. So last night I finally told him and his reply?? was nothing! Not a thank you, not a smile, not an omg why did u do that...
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...
So after the stressing, the planning and etc, im cancelling. Im not making him go on a trip if he dont wanna. And I def wont extend myself for him anymore. Simple as that.
My mom n besties all think I am overreacting in cancelling the trip and I should give it a day or so. But Im so deeply hurt, I cant talk to him abt it. I just wanna be done with this trip and him... or atleast thats how I feel right now.
Sigh... in 2 days it will be a month.
A month since TBone and I have been talking.
I like him... alot.
(but I always like them alot atfirst lol)
Something different about him tho.
He is NOT crazy. lol
Hopefully he sticks around for a while.
I think anyone who knows me knows that I am scared of all bugs and animals.. YES i do mean all. But my other fear in life is getting fat. I think it has stemmed from the realization that 1/2 of my gene pool resembles The Klumps.
As usual, people are salty as heck that they are solo on Vday... I mean, it just not your time to be bunned up. Dont get discouraged. I personally dont support the commercialization of certain gift givgn holidays. Honestly, if Im your boo, I would make you feel special just because its Monday. Not because it valentine's days. and I would like the same in return.
I digress.. this year I do have a valentine tho... (another than my mom and peanut)... We've only been chilling a short while but I think he is a keeper. Yesterday we spent the day at the park. An impromptu picnic with Popeyes, slurpees, and cookies. Gay but sweet... *shrug*
I had the most difficult time finding him a vday gift. What i had originally got him, the fool went out and purchased -_-.. leaving me to have to return to the mall yesterday in a last minute scramble. And because we just started hangin out, i didnt have adequate research to get the perfect gift. I settled on some Polo cologne.. cant wait to smell it on him.. sigh...
I wonder what he got me...
Anywho.. to all those bunned up "happy vday to you and yours " and to those of you on your solo dolo.. remember "Somebody loves you (GOD)"
Kisses!
So its been almost 2 weeks since I have talked to X... thats dead...
All I want is the $$ he owes me.. and if he doesnt give it to me... then its a lesson learned and I will chalk it up to experience. Im getting a bonus for my postive performance review anyhow.. so it'll all balance out with no harassing effort on my part.
Nigga hit me up on Friday and asked me for some names to a mall.. but seeing as how u dont have the $$ to give back to me, how and why are you at the mall??? TRIF! I didnt give him any mall tips.. users and abusers only hit you up when they want something.. its sad to see and say.
But I have a new one.. (quick right lol). Gonna keep that under wraps for a little while until we see how it goes... if he is a jump off there is no need assigning him an alias... But I will say is that i missed smiling like this...
Besos
Just saw a m effin tweet that really pissed me off.. This beotch gonna tweet "InNoWayShapeorForm should a darkskinned girl be considered attractive"
WTF.... why not? And to top it all off the girl was a BAB.. Basic Ass Bitch.... I kno several dark skinned girls who could shit on her on their worst day and her best...
I kno people are entitled to their own opinions or whatever but even still i dont understand why you would post something like that to Twitter... attention seeker? Maybe....
It just annoys me the level of ignorance still exists.. UGH!!!!
Man... these past 2 weeks I have been 100% certifiably crazed. The cause?? I stopped taking my birth control pills... and ive been a complete and utter mess ever since.
Crazy Mood Swings
Forgetfulness
Lack of Appetite
Anxiety
Depression
Loss of Boo joint
A general loss of Common Sense
X is gone.. my crazy emotional self pushed him away. Not gonna trip. That was DEAD.
Im fat. even my eyelids are puffy. I think I have droppy lid. Havent exercised in like 2 weeks.. ugh. I cant stop looking at my body in the mirror or measuring myself with the tape measurer.
Ate breakfast on Sunday morning after church and was full until Monday night.
I spent $265 on two pair of pants - Temporary Insanity: Went back to return the items and they told me it was final sale...
$110 on a deep conditioner and an ugly hair cut - More insanity: Im looking for a new stylist. I needed a trim and i guess i waited too long cuz she maimed me. So now im back to bald head scally. which only highlights my weight gain.
The crazy crying sprees and feelings of sadness... im soo tightly wounded about everything...
Sigh... I have a dr appt on in the 7th.. hopefully she can fix me!
How I feel today can best be summed by Ms. Lauryn Hill... Enjoy.
It's funny how money change a situation
Miscommunication leads to complication
My emancipation don't fit your equation
I was on the humble, you - on every station
Some wan' play young Lauryn like she dumb
But remember not a game new under the sun
Everything you did has already been doneI
know all the tricks from Bricks to Kingston
My ting done made your kingdom wan' run
Now understand L. Boogie's non violent
But if a thing test me, run for mi gun
Can't take a threat to mi newborn son
L's been this way since creation
A groupie call, you fall from temptation
Now you wanna ball over separation
Tarnish my image in your conversation
Who you gon' scrimmage, like you the champion
You might win some but you just lost one
by cob 2k11, I will:
be in grad school
have $ in my savings
eat a salad
reach goal weight
have a bomb wardrobe
step my makeup game up
trick out Essence
have a boyfriend
hopefully...
And by "IT" i mean school.
Couldnt stay away too long.
Im a geek.
Masters? Oh lets do it *in my best Waka voice*
Later.. got some hw or whateva
first post of the new year
so far I expect nothing out of 2k11 and I hope it doesnt have any expectations of me.
let's just see what we have in store for each other.
Happy New Year everyone
