The Evolution of Me

So as a Federal Government employee, I am offered certain benefits such as transit subsidy in order to get back and forth to work. I hate the Metro. I hate the over crowdedness, I hate the smells, I hate the delays etc. But with gas rising, I need to be smart abt how I wanna use my precious gas. I decided to give Metro a try. My first issue with metro is the people. So many people, not enough space. Im gonna pay to stand up?? or to be squished by the "girthy" chick who thinks she can squeeze in the seat next to me because I dont take up that much room. Like literally I have been sat on. SMH. Then there are soo many germs. I swear its Metro should come out with a soundtrack called GERM. The coughs, sneezes, sniffles etc. Enough to drive a hypochondriac (aka me) insane. I try to drown out the noises with my ipod. Since my office moved to First St. I now have to ride the dreaded Red Line. Which means atleast a 45min ride because I have to transfer and all that good stuff. The Red line is notorious for its delays, track work etc. Which could increase my ride time 15-30 min. All in all, metro hasnt been that bad. But thats because I take the necessary precautions to ensure 1. that i have a seat, 2. that the train is air conditioned and 3. that no one talks to me. As I sit at my desk this morning, I hear that someone has been hit by a train on the Red Line in Bethesda. My first thought was "how rude of that person to try to commit suicide during rush hr" Does that make me selfish? A lady is trapped under a train and Im worried abt how that will effect my ride home 7 hrs from now. Hopefully the delays will be handled by the time I get off but still, what abt all the ppl who are made late, because some lady decided she wanted to end it all! What happened to doing those things in private? If it was truly an accident, I hope the lady is ok. But if she was just being a jerk, I have no sympathy for her. I just know that my train better be on time this afternoon.

Thank you Lauryn Hill...

I tell u. People now a days dont have a concept of respect. It can be earned, given, lost, etc.

And if I respect you, the least you can do is reciprocate.

TBONE pulled his own noose and hung himself with me last nite. We are texting and he calls me another chicks name. The name of a chick who likes him, but he "dont like her like that and doesnt talk to her". The name of the chick that said I was ugly. The name of the chick who looks like her face has been stung my bees and never recovered....

And on top on that how retarded do you have to be to TEXT someone another chicks name? I mean clearly, my name and picture were in the left corner of the screen while he was sending the text.

So I simply told him I was done. I dont have time for the games and I will not tolerate being disrespected by anyone!! SIMPLE AS THAT!

#lifegoeson

So I survived the trip. I didnt push T Bone off a mountain or anything.
The highlights:
- the house was amazing
- jello shots!
- lots of drinking
- snow tubing and mountain coaster

During one of the drunken nights, Brownie, Rita and I were taking shots and the topic of areolas was brought up. (dont judge us) Like how small is too small or how big is too big? I personally dont think an areola should be bigger than a freaking half dollar.. unless u have some serious whoppers... *shrugs*

Tbone asked me to be his GF.. AGAIN.. and again.. i declined... but in a way as to not ruin the entire weekend.

I was ready to come back home on Saturday. Being around ppl for continuous amts of time has never been my strong suit. I just wanted to get home to my mommy and my monster.

All in all, if i had to do it over, I wouldnt...

But u know, u live and u learn.


Last night, TBone asked if I still felt the same way abt being in a relationship with him. So I broke it all down to him. Abt me feeling like 1. it was too soon 2. i did have an intention of gettin serious when we met and 3. he isnt established enough in my opinion (no job or school, irresponsible. etc)... And lets just say that he wasnt happy. He got very dramatic. Overemotional males are such a turn off... which made me just say... maybe we shouldnt hang out anymore..

And I actually feel ok with that.

Well I didnt call off the trip.
But things are still on the outs between TBone and I.
Not because he has done anything, but because Im just not feeling him anymore.

U kno the adrenaline u get when u first meet someone and everything to roses and rainbows??? Well the adrenaline is now goen for me, I as much as I would like to look at him how I used to, I just cant.

He on the other hand is still on the adrenaline. Still wants to see my everyday and blah blah blah. The more he presses the more I pull away. And a little birdie tells me that he is thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend... I just hope he doesnt do it this weekend, in front of his friends and my friends... cuz I will be forced to give him the same blank stare he gave me when I first told him about that trip. *crickets*

This weekend it going to be interesting to say the least. Im gonna try to take one for the team and not kirk off on him. But when we get back, im gonna have to break the news. Ugh. Just thinking about him trying be all close to me is making me feel ill.

How do nicely say "you're not good enough for me. so lets stop wasting time"??

*shrugs*

So its been almost 2 weeks since I have talked to X... thats dead...
All I want is the $$ he owes me.. and if he doesnt give it to me... then its a lesson learned and I will chalk it up to experience. Im getting a bonus for my postive performance review anyhow.. so it'll all balance out with no harassing effort on my part.

Nigga hit me up on Friday and asked me for some names to a mall.. but seeing as how u dont have the $$ to give back to me, how and why are you at the mall??? TRIF! I didnt give him any mall tips.. users and abusers only hit you up when they want something.. its sad to see and say.

But I have a new one.. (quick right lol). Gonna keep that under wraps for a little while until we see how it goes... if he is a jump off there is no need assigning him an alias... But I will say is that i missed smiling like this...

Besos

Warning: This post is gonna be slightly reckless. Maybe offend some ppl but this needs to be said.

SO recently, Metro has decided that they are going to start doing random bag checks. Another "security" tactic to ensure public safety. I say its hogwash. Like wtf... why am i made to feel like a criminal? I am a citizen. I have rights. and If i dont want ppl knowing I have a bag full of tampons, or full of pornos then thats my right.

Yes there are crazy ppl in this world. But does one bad apple really ruin the entire bunch? I mean ppl commit suicide and there are American mass murders but still the real threat is from those who dont give a chicken shit abt the people in this country....

Traveling via airplane is such a daunting task. Security check alone is enough to make you want to say forget it and drive. Not only do u have to let them xray your bag, and u have to walk through the metal detectors after taking off your shoes, belts, earrings, loose change etc. but now they wanna do pat downs and all this extra stuff.

All this extra stuff wasnt necessary prior to 9/11. And im not tryna point fingers here but who was responsible for 9/11... they were foreigners. so why are you now punishing your citizens for the acts of ppl who arent even related to this country? its not right.

We are America. supposedly the land of opportunity and the free... so when take in ppl from other countries and they end up making things more difficult for the people who are already here. What kind of justice is this? You put the needs of those outsiders before those of your own people. We let them put up their temples, their stores. We down play our own traditions and culture to be accommodating to them. We honor their holidays, take religion talks out of schools...

Americans dont even have a culture. A mere flicker of the society we used to be. Dont get me wrong. Change is good and acceptance of difference is great. But people who come into our country need to respect that we have our own thing going on. When traveling to a foreign country, you brush up on the language, you learn the customs so as not to offend anyone. But when people come here they dont have to do any of that. Its not right.

We are sooo accepting and accommodating that we give gay and lesbians rights to adopt children, and to marry. Im sorry but to be gay is a sin against GOD. If he meant to two people of the same sex to be married and to bear children we would be asexual. Its a mockery of the system. In other cultures, gay people are exiled or even killed because it is not acceptable. We respect everybody and everything more than we respect ourselves. We have no moral ground. We have nothing to call our own. Thats why our society is soo shitty.

Im not trying to say that we shouldnt allow immigrants into the country or that gay people should be oppressed. All Im saying is that learn to value yourself, America. Then those who chose to live here will also value you.

I may not have said this politically correct but the main issue still stands... we need to get back to the basics.. Grow a pair America and stop letting other people rip you off.

Every now and again.. ok.. everyday.. i feel the need to be blunt and direct with ppl in my life abt how i am feeling abt certain things... So i decided to hit up X regarding the bad back seat action from the other night. But then as I thought more into it.. i just kept thinking of more and more stuff to say. Long story short... it ended up being like an ECR - Extended Constructed Response.. like the ones they use to make us write in high school. Here are a few snippets:

“I started thinking abt the other nite and why it wasn’t a good as it could have or should have been. Was it the environment? Was it me thinking too much? Was it the fact that I was annoyed you were texting your “ex” earlier the evening while we were in the car?.. idk.. it felt more like a business transaction than anything else……………………

I wanna get close to u but at the same time I know u not done with your ex/current girl so basically at any moment u could say forget me…. ….

We dont go out. We dont do gay stuff like flirting or kissing. If u were interested in me as more than a friend we would…… "

I told u before that u remind me of my ex. And that could be one of the reasons I continue to talk to u despite u not doing things guys normally do when they like someone. Or maybe that’s the reason I think I might have feelings for u. Or maybe its cuz I feel like I cant have u.

I didnt proof it. I just spoke openly and I prolly said more than I shouldve. But oh well. Its all out there now.

His response: "Soo you didnt enjoy the other nite???"
After eeeeeverything I said, he only zoned in on me telling him it wasnt good...

What am I gonna do with him?

How is it that I always manage to attract crazies???

Remember Texas? He is tryna get back on the scene.. His latest stunt is him tryna make me his GF.. Like WTF.. why is it that the ppl u want attention from, you cant get but then u get all this uninvited attention ....

But yea. Here is the text convo. This is after an AIM session in which he tells me that when we aim, my name comes up as “My Future Girl”. And I was like… really tho. How can I be ur future girl when we barely aim and u’ve only called me once.. lol :

T: Morgo, I would really like a chance with u

M: A text tho?

T: You want me to tell you over the phone?

M: Well I wouldn’t take you seriously either way but via text makes it more of a joke

T: Why wouldn’t you take me seriously?

M: I just wouldn’t

T: But I wouldn’t lie to you, I promise

M: If I had $1 for everytime I heard that and then $1 for everytime those same ppl did lie I would be BALLIN

T: Im not like the rest though Morgo, you believe I am?

M: Im not tryna typecast you but its just been my experience

T: I understand that but Im not gonna play with you. You deserve better than that (whats happened to you in the past)

M: True

T: You believe me? I mean do you trust me?

M: No. But its not personal. I just don’t trust ppl in general

T: iight.

Your man took it way back to middle school with the "can I get a chance?" LMBO. Really tho? My Nikki think I was harsh on him. I think I was very politically correct and took it easy. I could have chopped him real quick... But i know how sensitive ppl are and if you are crazy enough to ask me to be your GF and you dont really know me, there is no tellin how PSYCHO you really are...

I am in the foulest mood. Have been for the past 3 days...Havent felt like this in a long while. For 3 very legitimate reasons, 2 of which I will share... 1. Code Red Man Down.. and 2. Today 10/9/09 makes it officially 6 years since my Grandaddy passed. I feel angry, annoyed, sad, bitter, lonely, crazy, just everything. The 3rd reason Im not ready to talk about but dont worry, u know I dont keep many secrets from u.

Ugh. This weeked was supposed to be fun. I made alot of plans. I was excited. Now I dont wanna do crap but chill in my room by my self. I dont want ppl around, tryna make me happy. I just kinda wanna stew and let these emotions work their way out. But at the same time I dont want to let me situations dictate how the rest of my weekend will go. This designer called me and asked me to come to her casting call for a show she is doing. Its tonite but its all the way in MoCo. I dont feel like driving. I dont feel like trying out. I dont feel like anything. She is gonna pay me but even $$$ isnt motivation enough for this mood. Ugh.. We will see if I go...

I stole this quote from an associate : "You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude towards what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you..... "

The realest ish I ever read and rewrote...

Peace Bleeps!!!

I LOVE IT... so far

Its been said that if you dont have anything nice to say dont say nothin at all. Its also been said that the truth shall set you free. I believe in combo. 9 times out of 10, I hold my comments, thoughts and feelings because I dont like to rain on other ppls parades. But in certain cases, where speaking commences, I employ a tactful delivery clause to all my deliveries. Meaning that I will phrase what I have to say in the best way possible as to get across my point but not to offend the person I am speaking to. Offended people put guards up and therefore dont hear what it is that you have to say. So in essence ur wasting your voice / words.

I also believe that if a person has to say something, they shouldnt HIDE behind their words. Speak ur mind and be proud of ur thoughts... no matter how rude and unwarranted they are. (Get me Anonymous commenter?) If u dont like what I write on MY blog, you are welcome to leave my page and never come back. This blog is for me to keep myself busy at work and other times of the day. If I wanna write about my poop, the color, shape and size, then I will do so and there is little you can do about it except read it or NOT! mmk?

Automatic cars - YAY
Door Opening - YAY
Lights - YAY
Bathrooms.. NAY! Great in theory, Terrible in application. (atleast all of my experiences)

Ok. So here I am at work. This morning I drank a bottle of Deer Park and 2 Sunny Delights. So obviously I had to go relieve my bladder. Now I applaud the effort for trying to decrease germs and bacteria by limiting the touch but this automation is bringing along new issues for me.

So Im using the potty at about a 45 degree angle from the toilet. ( Morgo rule 4 - Never sit on toilets that arent ur own). Im just about done so I lean over to grab some toilet paper (Morgo rule 7 - front to back, front to back) and before I can get the paper off the roll, the automatic sensor has detected my movement and decided I was finished so flushing commenced. This is a problem for 2 reasons. One, I need to scramble to wipe and toss the paper in the commode before its done flushing or else I will have to lean over and flush manually (which defeats the purpose of the toilet being automated in the first place because I am still makin contact with the toilet.) Two, the pull from the flush is soo aggressive the spurts of pee pee water splashes around, landing on my legs and bottom. EWW digusting! Causing me to have to rewipe and then manually flush!!!!!

Then we go to the automated sink. That tells me unless I am directly at this one spot, I am not able to get water. And then it only gives me water for about 5 seconds before it cuts off, thus leavin me with soap all over my hands, struggling and waving around under the sink like a fool to find the magic spot that makes it rain (no pun intended).

And finally the automated dryers that blow luke warm water and cut off every 30 seconds even though my hands are moving by the sensor forcing me to have to stand there for 5 minutes to be dry.

But to top it all off, I have to open the door. Its not automatic. So there is still contact and since there are no paper towels because of the automatic dryer, I still may contract sum germ from a nasty skank who refused to put herself thru the automated trouble. So I use my hand sanitizer anyway once I cross to the other side of the door.

So again.. automated bathrooms??? NAY! Until further notice....

So I've been thinkin and soul searching. Tryna find the exact place and time when my life went off track. (Im not totally derailed, I just feel like Im not where I would like to be.)Then I started to think about how things always go wrong in life and why people have addictions. Its to escape their problems. I kno.. DUH rite. I mean I knew that but I couldnt really relate to it until I felt like I needed an escape from reality.

But anywho I have a new artist who speaks to my soul.. her name is Adele. Maybe you have heard of her, maybe not. I downloaded a rack of her songs and this one in particular stuck to me.

So there it is. Thats the plain truth. When stuff doesnt work out, you just wanna escape. So u latch on and keep indulging in the one thing you find that helps dull the pain. Drugs, alcohol, partying, cuttin, dieting, exercising, shoppin... wateva. (to each his own vice)

I dont really have a point to all this. Just listenin to this song and felt the urge to write. Maybe someone reading this can make sense of it and get sumthin out of it. hmmmmm.
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In other news, TGFM - Thank God for Mommy

My mom is pretty wise. I went to her about my situation and she basically dropped knowledge on her BG (baby girl). After talkin to her and cuzzo Krazy, I feel more at peace (for lack of a better term) about this thing. Ive come to the conclusion that life is full of ups and downs, his and lows. People come in and out of your life in different seasons for different reasons. But not everybody is really a friend. I have to learn to deal with people based on their personality. I cant change them or think that they will change just because I want them to. So Im gonna start listenin to my intuition. I have a very discerning spirit and I feel like alot of times I kno things about people but try to overlook them. Sometimes you cant overlook the true essence of a person. Just gotta observe it and adjust all behaviors to reflect such. So if u and I both kno that u cant keep ur mouth closed about somethin, dont ask me about it cuz I wont be tellin u.

Secondly, I've realized that people hurt other people. More times than not its accidental. I feel like, no matter the circumstances, if a person has been a good friend if and when situations of crap come up ( cuz they always do) the record of that person will be looked at and not just the situation. I say all that to say that I am only human. I make mistakes and wrong choices. But my friends, my true friends will kno me better than to judge me by a poor decision.

Im still missin Rico. I wanna talk to him. Tell him about this situation. He always knew how to take my mind off my issues... even if he was my issue. lol. Wait. He might be my liquor. Oh boy. But I refuse to call him. We are not ready to be strictly friends yet so I think me stayin my distance is great. And if he calls me.... I will prolly answer... (dont judge me)

Later Dudes

S M H

Sooo... things on the homefront are still a bit hazy but im on the road to clarity.
I have decided to refrain from talkin to old girl. Not because I am mad but because I just dont want to. Im like a light switch. Once Im off, IM OFF. Im have not ever been FAKE in my life. I dont smile in someones face, or make small talk when i dont want to. No need for politics. U do nothin for me, so I owe u nothin. Thats just how I feel about it.

I called my grandma today (sperm donor's mom). Ive mentioned her b4.. the one who thinks food is the answer to ALL problems. I told her about my canundrum and she suprisingly didnt tell me to eat sumthin. LOL. Nope she really came thru with straight biblical knowledge. Matthew 5:43-48. I was able to recieve it and we discussed it. Then she told me she loved me and we got off the phone.

Its crazy how God will use people to drop knowledge on u. Normally my grandma gets on my everlasting. But as Im gettin older I am more able to tolerate her.

guess its called growth...

Ughh... So it wouldnt be my life if it didnt have some BS associated with it. How ironic is it that I wrote a blog a couple of days ago about gossipin and keepin my mouth shut ?? Man well I wish I would wrote it LAST WEEK. Cuz then I wouldnt have to do what Im about to do.

Basically the situation is that I was told sumthin, then I went to someone and told them and their dumb butt went to the actual individuals about said topics. LIKE WTF. But then instead of her tellin the truth, she exaggerates, changes sum things and leaves sum ish out. One of the most important things she left out was that I was the one who told her. So now everybody she approached is mad at the person who told me.

I feel like the whole thing is sooo high school. Im not even that upset with old girl because I made the mistake and ran my mouth and thought I could trust her. But its clear that I cant. But I dont want the person who told me to have all this animosity towards them. I would rather take all the blame myself because they trusted me and I effed up. And while yes, they prolly shouldnt have told me, I was the one who picked the WRONG person to tell.

So yea. Now I need to address a few issues. Dont feel like it. Not because I am afraid because NOBODY involved in this situation does anything for me. They dont make or break me. And I only care about preserving good vibes with 1. the person who told me and 2. one of the people who was reported to. But I am just not in the mood for high school drama. Females are too emotional. But u kno.. i gotta do what I gotta do.

Man. I am annoyed. It cant be denied. One of those days that I wish I lived by myself. So tired of having to deal with other people's living habits. I want to deal with me and mine ONLY. its not that I dont like the people I live with. They cool peoples. But I just would prefer to live alone. Ive never been one for too many females around me and I think Ive done well but there is just too much estrogen in this house. Too many different personalities. Too much contact and seeing the same people on a constant basis. IDK if I can ever get married if i have to live with him for the rest of my life. Thats a stretch.

On another note, I realize that I tend to have a blabber mouth when it comes to things that dont necessarily concern me. I am more apt to spreading other ppls business moreso than my own. I guess its cuz I dont care about other people that much. No thats not true, but things I find amusing I tend to share more openly. Which wouldnt be a problem if I wasnt surrounded by certain people who themselves dont know how to curtail what comes out of their mouths. IDK. But at any rate I am gonna make a conscious effort to just keep everything I know and acquire to myself. I will only release via this blog, keepin all identities a secret.

i am really beginning to think that i am heartless. i totally lack emotion, compassion, empathy, ANYTHING that has some sort of heart felt emotion connected to it, i dont have it. all i do is laugh. i find humor in the most inappropriate places.

yesterday, i was in the car with my ladies and a conversation came up. in high school, girl x dated boy y. they broke up and several years later here we are. one day, girl x finds out the one of her besties, girl z, was winkwinkn boy y. Girl x then goes to girl z job wanting to fight her.

now my ladies thought that this was preposterous(sp). if they had been girl x, they would prolly have called girl z crying talkin bout sum i thought we were best friends yadayadaya how could u do this to me woo woo woo. i immediately start laughin. what kind of punk reaction is that??? if i did sumthin cruddy and then the person i hurt called me cryin like a baby i would laugh so flippin hard. y r girl so sensitive?

if i was girl x i prolly wouldnt have gone to youngin job to fight her. i just woulda been like oh so u doin my ex behind my back?? thats messed up. screw u. and kept it movin. she would be out of my close circuit. no need for drama. and most importantly no need to cry!!!!!

NEwho... i got asked to prom. i said no tho. its not like i wasnt flattered but i am too old to be goin to prom with a bunch of high schoolers. im bout to be a senior in COLLEGE. my mom was very upset that i said no and made it seem like i was the meanest person in the world. i mean i said no in a nice way tho, as not to damage the lil guy's feelings. he has been "in like" with me since i was 16 but we are in 2 diff stages of life. maybe in a few years.

mickey b is still a lil cheesed off that im not on his "junk" this time around. i mean what is up with these lames? dont call me in months, then pop up on the scene for one lil spring break and think im supposed to hop on? naw shawty. i would love to treat him the way i used to but he doesnt deserve it. he has done nothin to show me that he is worthy. he says please and gives me sad faces and what not but that ish aint sincere. all talk.

im thru with being lil miss make everyone else happy. time to be lil miss make herself happy. cuz Lord knows that these lames just dont make the cut.

Its still Spring Break and Im still in MD... how unpleasant. Watev. no use cryin ova spilled milk. The spring break i do have is wastin away...

Today I was on AIM chattin with my off n on flirt joint. IDK if i ever talked about him on her b4 but i will call him Senor Smooth (SS for short). A lil background on SS: went to elementary school with him, reintroduced via facebook, on and off random flirting but never nothin solid.

OK back to the story. Im on AIM with SS and we get into this convo which led me to my revelation of the day and my reason for this blog. He asked why my love life was so destitute and i basically i replied that the dudes thats been presentin themselves aint worth my time.

And thats the truth. These dudes out here are LAME. I am soo incredibly turned off by the quality of "men" I have to choose my future husband from. Since SB has started, Mickey B has hit me up more than he has hit me all flippin year. All because he think im gonna give him a lil play or sumthin. Naw MAN! Aint gonna happen. Today he hit me up and i told him i wasnt home and he copped a lil attitude and tried to dismiss me. BOY plz. He picked the game, now his butt gettin PLAYED and he dont like it. I guess he thought I would be the same old me, the one he left, the one who wanted him so bad that i would do my all to make him happy. AHHH Sorry DUDE.. Not in 09.

Anyways.. all i can say is that until further notice im Passin on the LAMES!

Live a Life Worth Livin - ♥ Morgo