Sooo.. I have officially began my initiation into the Slores club.
I have been struggling with the decision to (or not to) pounce on X. We have known each other for abt 10 yrs but only been about one year since we have started "talking". Its been alot of back and forth, with my mostly. Its not that I dont want to. Im a woman. I have needs. I just also have a conscience that often times wins during battles. Here are the 5 main factors:
1. X is not my boyfriend. So just having sex with him would make me a F*** Buddy right?
2. In fact I believe X has a girlfriend even though he claims they are broken up, they still talk (and F***). Sleeping with someone elses boyfriend makes me a bad person right?
3. If I did do it, it would be like the start of casual sex with him and then other guys with no type of real commitment. So then I would be a hoe?
4. Whats the point in having sex if i dont see a future with him? I personally dont want a rack of sex partners...
5. Im trying to live right by GOD. Premarital sex is a sin.
I ran these ideas past my 2 besties... Brownie told me that I should just try it out. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life. Rita asked me how would I feel afterwards. And thats a good question. Like would I be disappointed in myself? Has my value decreased? What if im not good (its been a while, maybe i forgot how to work it)? What if he isnt good? How will that affect our friendship? blah blah blah
Well on Saturday, after a few patron margaritas, I felt like I was finally ready to "try it out". But things didnt work out as planned. So then I took that as a sign that maybe it wasnt supposed to happen for us.
Yesterday was my day off. As I lay in the bed, I couldnt stop thinkin about him.. or it. So when he got off, I called and asked him if he wanted to go to the store with me. He agreed. I get to his house. He comes out. We drive off.. Then abt a block away from his house, I notice that he is texting his chick.... i am immediately annoyed and just want to take him back to his house. So I text Brownie n tell her to call me and act like she needed me right that second. She did. lol. Told X i had to take him home so I could help Brownie.
We are almost at his house when he says lets do a quickie in the car. I told him I didnt want to do a quickie in my car. Then was like ok... lets do it in my truck. I figured hey.. might as well. I get in his truck, we drive to some random location and then it was make it or break it time.
As if I wasnt already nervous and second guessing my decision to "try it out" in the first place, now I have to add in the factors of doing it, quickie style, in a parking lot. I decided to give it a try. I stripped off my clothes, climbed in the back seat. His leather seats were freezing.... He climbed back there with me. I sat on top of him reverse cowgirl style... He asked me if I was sure. I was honest and said I didnt know.
He started kissing on my back, rubbing on me, grabbing Pinky and the Brain (my boobs lol).... then his fingers worked his way down.. after a few rubs, I pull down my vickis and prep for the entry. Didnt take as long as it normally has in the past. Maybe it was the position.. but we started moving... and then I saw a car drive past.... and then a person... so i kept stopping. Then after the coast was clear I restarted. The juices were flowing heavily... it surprised him as well as myself. All bodily signs we a go... But my head of banging the ceiling and I was squished. It was cold... the whole thing was not enjoyable. We both agreed that it was a failed attempt. I put my clothes on and we drove back to my car.
He asked me how did i feel... I felt... wet. My panties were soaked.. (my juice box dont play). but other than that, i felt no real emotion abt what just occurred. I got in my car and drove home. On the drive, I replayed what had just occurred... I couldnt believe I actually did that. Im such a skank. I called Brownie and told her what had happened. She told me to go back to his house and complete the mission. But I declined.
He wants to try again tonite, this time in the house, with more space, less cold and an all around better atmosphere. But idk if i want to. I mean, if it was good, that would be one thing, but it was mediocre. I dont know if it was on my part or his. It didnt feel nothing like how it felt with Rico.. idk if it was a size thing, or if it was because it had been so long for me, or if was because I was soo wet, i couldnt feel him or if its cuz im not in love with him.
If this is what casual sex is like, I think im going back to Nun life until I get in a committed relationship.. or atleast find someone I have strong feelings for.
